I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety and Depression three years ago. Unlike a disease like cancer, or diabetes, you don’t notice the effects of my disease unless you pay attention and get to know me. Even those who know me well don’t see how bad it gets. I spend my waking day hiding and covering up the fact that I am broken inside. Often times I lack emotion due to my medication and it gives me a bad reputation. Sometimes I don’t have the motivation or capabilities to wave at a friend across the room, to have a simple conversation or even smile. I get called a “bitch”, “stuck up”, “intimidating”, behind my back because I don’t approach people or look approachable. I understand why they think this. Often times in social situations, I find a seat in a corner and sit there, glued to my phone. If I am not on my phone, I am picking at my hair, playing with the buttons on my jacket, or tapping my fingers; anything to distract me from the constant reminders going on in my head.
“They don’t like you”
“You don’t belong here”
“You aren’t pretty enough to be her friend”
“She probably thinks you’re a bitch”
It sucks. I have a million excuses for everything.
I hardly go out in social situations because I am afraid of the possibility of being left alone. I get jealous when my friends have other friends, and I only have them. It is near damn impossible for me to make friends because I come off extremely introverted. I actually thrive being around people. I love learning about other people and getting to know someone, but I will never approach them first.
Having anxiety while dating is another fun perk. I constantly put myself down, think the worst of a situation, won’t make plans because I am afraid they won’t like it, and question every little thing I do. Often times boys will tell me things like: I am a selfish bitch, insecure with myself, or incapable of love. I must admit I have a hard time complimenting people. I don’t tell them I like them, and I will probably never say, “I love you.”
Sometimes I just feel like I am incapable of love and positive emotions, and I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved because I am faulty. I am not your typical 21-year-old girl. I do not have a million girlfriends to hook your bros up with. It takes me a while to show my true colors. At first, I am very quiet. I analyze every social situation with you and try to get to know everything about you before you ever get the chance to know me.
But to be clear; I am not insecure. I love my body and love myself. I am smart, beautiful, and capable of all things, except for controlling my emotions.
I just have a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me think differently. It alters my perception of events around me and blows them up into large proportions. I am not shy, weird, mental, bitchy, or whatever. I am Megan, who just happens to have a very common mental illness that affects 18 percent of the world’s population.