When we are little, we are taught that there are friendships that last a lifetime, and that you should always do your best to keep these friends around. But no one really talks about how it is when you know you’re losing a friend, not because some fight happened, but simply because life got in the way, you grew apart or you realized the person right next to you is not the one who used to be your friend anymore.
There’s no one to blame. Sometimes, there is not even an argument to explain it. You move to different cities, develop different interests, priorities and routines simply change. Then one day, you open your conversation with them and realize it’s been months since you’ve last spoken. “We need to catch up!”, is what you wish to say, but this never happened, and now you’re unsure if you really should reach out to them.
But how do you deal when the person that you trusted the most simply stops being your friend? And most importantly: how to know when it is the best for you to just go?
I had the chance to talk with the psychologist Rany Rocha about how losing a friendship can impact our life and some tips for how to get over it.
WHY ARE FRIENDSHIP BREAKUPS SO HARD
You wake up one day and you realize that your best friend isn’t your best friend anymore. No final reason, no goodbye. One day, the conversation ends and, suddenly, one of your future bridesmaids, the fake aunt to your child, the person who knows every single detail about you is no longer part of your life.
When going separate ways, it is easier to blame a fight, rather than the following movement of life. Rany Rocha explained that when a fight happens, there is usually a more concrete, tangible event to attribute the loss to, along with the emotions associated with it, such as anger, hurt or a sense of injustice. When people simply grow and take different paths, there can be a kind of different grief. There’s not necessarily anyone to blame, or an exact moment or action that determined the ending. That can make the process even harder to understand and accept.
There is an unsaid social expectation that “lifelong friendships” should be maintained, even when they no longer make sense. As if, because someone was important at one point, they should remain untouched forever. When asked, Rany said that there is a very romanticized idea that true friendships need to last forever. This can lead people to remain in relationships that are no longer satisfying out of guilt, fear of seeming ungrateful or selfish, or even a feeling that they are letting down the history they built together. Sometimes, accepting that a bond has changed is also a way of respecting your own reality and the other person’s.
We are afraid to break circles, to leave. We are afraid of being alone and because of that, we keep around the same people that no longer make us feel like yourselves, when sometimes, all we really need to do is wake up and leave.
HOW TO KNOW WHEN IT IS REALLY TIME TO GO
In the song it’s time to go, Taylor Swift says: “and you know, in your soul, when it’s time to go”.Deep down, we always know when the best thing for us to do is just finish the circle and move on. But, why does it seem like it is impossible to end a friendship, even when you know that keeping this person around only makes you feel worse?
I feel that when we’re thinking about leaving someone, we always think about the good times. What stays are the memories,all the fun we had, and all the plans we made. But the complicated facets don’t usually come around… We mourn the loss of the friend that person used to be. The point is that this is only a memory and most of the times when you think about the last months or even years you can’t even remember when it was the last time you felt like yourself with that person. And as Taylor Swift said in her song Babylon, “you are using nostalgia as a weapon to hurt yourself”.
For Rany we should look at reciprocity and how consistently people invest in a relationship. On the other hand, when the distance becomes more persistent, when neither one seems willing to maintain the connection anymore and the relationship stops making sense for both, that may indicate a more lasting change.
Nowadays, we started to talk about “low-maintenance friendship”, where constant contact is not necessary for the bond to continue existing. Rany said that that can indeed be a very healthy way to experience some friendships, but that it is crucial to notice when that idea stops describing a characteristic of the relationship and starts being used to justify a lack of investment.
Rany explained that, if both people show openness to talking, adjusting expectations, and building a new form of relationship, it may be worth trying. But when only one person is trying to sustain the bond, continuing to push for it can lead to more frustration. She thinks that the intentions of the people involved are a useful guide for understanding whether it is worth continuing to try or accepting that the bond has changed and the relationship no longer fits as it is.
For the psychologist, changes in friendships do not have to be a choice between restoring the friendship or losing it. We also depend on the other person’s willingness and desire to make it work. Many people feel affected because it involves a lack of control, which can be uncomfortable. Understanding the possibilities between those extremes can be a more constructive and healthier path for both people.
She also said that it is also important to distinguish what happened from our interpretation of those events. This process can help us organize our feelings and, especially, how we communicate them to the other person in a more concrete, coherent, and constructive way, instead of starting with accusations or a generalized conclusion.
For example, “This friendship has changed” is an automatic thought. Why might someone have had that thought? “Over the past three weeks, I messaged my friend three times, and she did not reply. We also did not arrange to see each other during that period.”
Those are facts. An interpretation might be, “She does not care about me anymore, and our friendship is over.” That interpretation might be too broad or might not accurately reflect the situation
Thinking this through can help us approach the other person differently. Instead of saying, “You do not care about our friendship anymore,” we could communicate our perception more constructively: “I have noticed that over the past few weeks, we have been talking much less and have not been able to see each other. That makes me feel like our friendship is different, and I wanted to understand how you are experiencing this.”
DOES SOCIAL MEDIA MAKE IT HARDER TO MOVE ON
Social media can make it harder to leave a friendship behind. You may no longer talk to that person or have regular contact with them, but you still see their trips, birthdays, new friends, and life events. You see them achieving dreams you once shared with each other when they were still just plans. This can keep thoughts and comparisons active and make it harder to create emotional distance.
In some cases, and this is very individual, temporarily reducing that virtual contact can be a healthy way to establish boundaries. It can give you time until you feel more ready and comfortable seeing what is happening in the other person’s life, without it hurting so much.
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT
Letting go of a friendship is a very delicate situation. A good first step is understanding that this emptiness you’re probably feeling does not mean the decision was wrong.
“When someone is a part of our everyday lives, we do not lose only the person. Much of the pain also comes from losing who we are with them”, Rany tells.
Taylor Swift said in her NYU Commencement Speech in 2022 that “ we are each a patchwork quilt of those who have loved us, those who have believed in our futures, those who showed us empathy and kindness…”.
We not only lose the other person, but also the person we were with them. We lose a version of us that only existed in that friendship. However, we can understand that moving on does not erase the history shared. It simply acknowledges that the relationship has changed and that, although it made sense for a long time, it may no longer fit into this new chapter or may no longer fit in its previous form.
So, embrace the grief. Listen to as many sad songs as you want. Cry as much as you need to and don’t deny the emotions that may emerge. Still, keep in mind that you have not met every person that you’re going to love in your life. And, as ABBA said “the sun is still in the sky and shinin’ above you”.
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The article above was edited and translated by Ana Beatriz Carvalho Sapata.
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