My Weight Does Not Define Me

 

 

Ever since I can remember I've had a problem with my weight and the way that it made me look. I felt like my weight was one of the first things people noticed about me and some of that remains true. However, I have learned that although my weight will always be something that makes me different by society's standards, it does not add or distract from the amazing woman I have become or from the things I have gone through in my life.

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My weight is simply how God made me and how my genetics played out. But for the longest time, I never saw it that way. It defined what I wore and how people saw me, not just in school but anywhere I went. I felt like because I was overweight I couldn't wear clothes that hugged my curves or that had bright colours and patterns because it would attract too much attention to me.  And this mindset shaped most of my childhood. I would never go to the mall with my friends because I didn’t want them to see my clothing size.  Wearing a larger bra size than a lot of other girls made me feel insecure on the inside.

 

 

Somehow I wish this was all in my head but it wasn't. I was bullied for most of my life and it affected me more than it should. I was called terrible names, like “whale.” I was told that no one would ever date me or want to be intimate with someone as fat as me. Everything I was told made me feel like I wasn’t a person worth loving. I did everything it took to be skinny and to fit the definition of what these people saw as beautiful.

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I dieted, stopped eating, took weight loss pills, and I went through a constant battle of hating myself and feeling like I was never good enough because of a stupid number on a scale. To make matters worse, going to the doctor's office, getting weighed at school, or taking the fitness test never helped because it just reinforced the idea that I wasn't skinny and that I didn't look like what they wanted me to. I spiraled downhill and I hit an all-time low in my life because I felt like I wasn't good enough. I wish I could say that people have changed and that actual adults know how to treat people differently but they don't, and while it's not okay, it stopped hurting as bad as it used to.

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They can say that I am not as pretty as other people in my life. They can say that I am too fat for a guy like him. They can say that I will never be loved because of my weight.

They can keep talking because the people in my life are beautiful and so am I. Who I date is none of their concern and I will find love when I want. Maybe I won’t look like a Victoria’s Secret model. But I am perfectly fine with that because when I look in the mirror, I love what I see and that's all that matters. Some part of me wants to say that I was able to fake this confidence and feel like this instantly, but I didn't. I struggled for eighteen, long years to learn how to love all of my flaws and my weight was one of them. Every day is another opportunity to love yourself and to learn what makes you different is also what makes you beautiful. Regardless of how much I’ve grown, I still struggle with learning how to accept that I was born with different genetics and that my body has curves and edges that will look different from other bodies. I still struggle with learning to love the stretch marks that cover my thighs, breasts, butt, and stomach. Other days it's a struggle to eat something and look at food in a healthy way but it takes time and I know that it can't be rushed.

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My weight was once something that defined my every move, clothing choice, and feelings. But now I've reached a point in my life where I view it as an opportunity to embrace what God gave me. I see my body as a masterpiece and I understand that instead of trying to change it, I can take time to better it. I can go to the gym to workout because I love the feeling of a good night's sleep - not because I feel the need to lose weight. I can wear what I want and feel beautiful or sensual and it’s not for anyone else’s satisfaction other than mine. I can put myself out there and for the first time in my life, I can say that I love the way I look and God knows that I mean it.

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This journey was not easy but at the end of the day,it was totally worth it and would I do it again? In a heartbeat because it's made me the strong and powerful woman I am today. 

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with so much love,

rae