I replay every moment of every day. The look one of my classmates gave me. What does it mean? Why can’t I breathe? What is going on? I can’t speak, my voice is stuck, my heart starts to pound. I can’t. I can’t, I can’t….
In 2016, I woke up unable to move or else the world would spin and nausea would overtake me. I was scared and terrified because I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I felt weak and overwhelmed with thoughts that would cloud my vision and turned my world on an axis.
For months, I was a frequent visitor of multiple doctors and unable to attend school because I could barely walk and move or breathe. I even had an MRI because no one could tell me what was wrong with me. I had to get my braces off early to get an MRI, so now I will have this gap in between my two front teeth.
I mean, I’m not complaining. I love my gap, but this just goes to show how quickly this escalated and how bad this situation got.
I remember this one moment, which will probably stay with me for the rest of my life, where the world began to spin: my throat began to contract and air would not go into my lungs and I felt physical pain in my stomach and my back. I was in the mall with my mom when I just stopped. I could not move, for fear of… I still don’t know the answer to. My mom was terrified for me and for how we would get out of the mall. My vision clouded, and, to be honest, I thought I was dying. But later, in 2017, we found out that I struggle with panic disorder and depression.
This is my daily struggle, but it is a part of my being and without it, I would not be me. I would look like me, I would probably sound the same, but I would be a duller person – a less fashionable one at that – with nothing to say and nothing to offer the world.
To be honest, I have been afraid for a very long time to admit not just to the world but to me that I have a mental illness; but this is not something we should shy away from. This is a discussion that should be continuous and uplifting rather than degrading and stagnant.
Remember that no matter what, you are a courageous being no matter the battle you are fighting.
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