Content warning: I discuss my personal experience with a stalker.
The month of January is recognized as Stalking Awareness Month, which I’ve come to learn is not very well-known. And the beginning of February puts me in a very meaningful position. Not only did we just close out Stalking Awareness Month—Valentine’s Day is just around the corner (which means, sidebar, my birthday is coming up too!) Those two calendar dates combine for me with the fact that right around this time of year is when it all began. I would never wish an experience with stalking on my worst enemy, and I wish I could protect everyone from ever experiencing it, but the best that I can do is share my experience and provide my advice for anyone who finds themselves a victim of a similar circumstance.
In early February, I started to notice one particular classmate of mine showing up in all the same places that I was. But I didn’t think anything of it because our class schedules were similar, and that meant the breaks in our schedules would also be similar. But then, actual incidents started occurring. I had to report this classmate’s behavior to my work supervisor because he interfered with my confidential tutoring appointment with a student who needed help. I wasn’t sure if I should consider that behavior that could be reported to the Title IX authorities, because it wasn’t an offense to me—more than anything, I felt sorry that my student’s time was wasted and their meeting had been intruded on. That was only the beginning of the strange behavior, though. It got to a point where I had to take different walking routes to get places to avoid his presence, or worse, his attempts to start a conversation with me, and I had to block him on everything even though we weren’t connected on any social media. I had to block him on GroupMe. Yes. GroupMe.
The worst part of it all was that I still felt like I was overreacting. I kept trying to convince myself that it wasn’t that bad and that what I was going through wasn’t able to be considered stalking. But it was killing me slowly. I have never been more anxious and afraid in my life. I was experiencing heartburn every day, extreme paranoia, and severe fatigue at the end of each week. It got so bad for me that every single Friday (after the end of a lab during which he was at the same table as me), I would lie down in my dorm bed and dissociate until I fell asleep, usually until 6 or 7 pm.
Then came the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was working in a classroom in the library, as I normally did, and in this room, I had previously encountered him under abnormal circumstances. Because of this, I was on high alert. But no students had arrived yet for tutoring, so I took the time to use the whiteboards for my assignments. I got lost in what I was working on until I glanced to my right and saw him standing in the doorway, not saying anything or moving at all. When I did, he immediately turned and walked away. But I had no idea how long he had been standing there watching me. I reported this second workplace incident to my supervisor, and looking back, I’m thankful every day that I did. My supervisor filed a Title IX report for me, and I did the same for myself per his instruction.
But through it all, I felt empathy for the man who was ruining my life. I felt sorry that he was never taught the social responsibilities that adults have to abide by and that he was probably lonely. I thought others would think badly of me if I verbalized my concerns since I am privileged and he belongs to several minority groups. When I finally met with a Title IX coordinator, I made sure to include that I felt this way. I thought there was no way she was going to sympathize with my situation because it still wasn’t that bad. A lot of women feel this way in various types of severe situations. I was no stranger to the way people tend to think girls are just “emotionally overreacting” to situations. (Which is a whole separate problem… we wouldn’t have to if we felt safe! But that’s a different topic for a different time.) But you know what?
She did.
Someone with power believed me and wanted to protect me, and that was all I needed to get the help I deserved. My professors believed me and did their best to support me, whether that meant offering extensions on assignments or moving his assigned lab table away from mine. My boss believed me and took action to protect me by having one supervisor stay until the end of my shift each night I worked, despite my shift ending after their regular business hours. My friends believed me and offered to walk with me to and from places where I’d seen him before. And when that Title IX coordinator believed me, everything stopped. Life returned to the way it once was. And I write this not for pity but because it may give someone else hope that someone will believe them too.
Even after the no-contact directive had been put in place, I worried that I was putting unnecessary strain on someone else’s life. Looking back, I can’t believe that I considered my stalker’s feelings as much as I did. It’s a true testimony to incredible empathy, but it also taught me to have empathy for myself first when needed. A good friend told me, “Bad people don’t worry about whether they’re bad people.” If you find yourself reading this and identifying with any of this, I need you to listen to me. Someone will help you. There are people out there who have dedicated their lives to helping you. Do not push it away until it gets so bad you can’t handle it, like I did. Catch it early. There is no way of knowing if and how much things will escalate. It is so much better to be safe than sorry.
If you are a BGSU student experiencing this type of harm, this is what you can do to help yourself:
- INFORM a mandated reporter (professor, work supervisor, RA) and ask them to help you if you don’t feel comfortable doing it alone (I sure didn’t!). You are even allowed to bring someone with you to a Title IX meeting if you don’t feel comfortable going alone; you just have to coordinate that with the meeting organizer. Additionally, there are certain resources available to you no matter the situation—I was offered an escort service through the campus PD if I ever needed it and told to call them, even if they weren’t needed. They would rather show up and not be needed than not be called and have something happen to them.
- DO NOT, by any means, continue contact with the person stalking you. It only gets worse if you do. Do all you can to avoid being in proximity and to limit digital interactions. The block button is your friend.
- FILE a report through the BGSU Title IX webpage to alert the Title IX Office of your situation.
- ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF. During my meeting, I was offered an opportunity to have a mediated conversation with this classmate. I respectfully declined and said that I did not feel comfortable being in a room with him. They then offered me the option of a no-contact directive, which is similar to a restraining order but issued through the university, so it is not a legally binding document. However, there are school-related repercussions if either party breaks its terms. This is the option I chose.
- TELL YOUR PROFESSORS if you ever end up in another class with the person who stalked you. I had to do this because we were going to be put in randomized groups for an assignment. It may be more important than you think to continually alert professors of your history with that other person.
- PRACTICE SELF-CARE. Above all else, take care of yourself. There’s only one you, so please don’t let someone else’s misconduct ruin your life. Don’t let it consume you; you are so much more than your situation. I know it’s hard, but you have to push forward and do what’s best for yourself.
Due to the governmental shift, Title IX is entering a time of uncertainty, which makes me nervous. The system that gave me peace when my life was in a constant state of chaos could be dismantled at any moment. While we could sit and complain and be reactive to this change that will undoubtedly change things for the worse, the best thing we can do is be proactive. If that means anything, it means don’t wait. Report things as soon as they worry you. Don’t think it could never happen to you, because it can. And the sad reality is that for many of us, it will. I promise you will be better off catching it early.
Lastly, please know you are not alone. If it feels like no one understands, I do. I believe you, and I wish I could make it all go away for you. Reach out to the people in your life who care about you and rely on them for support. You’re not crazy, you’re not overreacting, you’re not manipulating someone else’s life, and you’re not a bad person. You are just protecting yourself, which is all any of us can do.
With love,
Bella
Resources:
Reporting Form: https://cm.maxient.com/reportingform.php?BowlingGreenStateUniv&layout_id=26
BGSU Title IX General Website: