Throughout all of middle and high school, I ran cross country and track and I would even go as far as saying that I considered being a runner a huge part of my identity. So when I would tell people that I was a runner imagine my surprise when I was met with shock or my personal favorite: “You don’t look like a distance runner”.
Reactions and statements like these made me question my own identity and whether or not I could even consider myself a distance runner because of my physique. Unlike many of the idols of the running community, I was built like a woman who had very clearly gone through puberty.
The more I ran, the more muscle I built in my legs and as a result, I gained weight every season and every period of time when I was doing high quantities of exercise. However, the environment I found myself in made me feel as if an increase in size in any part of my body or any sort of weight gain means that I am doing something wrong, regardless of how strong or toned I may look.
Cross country prides itself on being a safe space for all athletes and others who couldn’t find their place within other sports. Instead of creating a welcoming community to all female athletes who enjoy running and being part of a community, many young girls find themselves in an environment with constant shame and pressure to look a certain way. Differences are meant to be celebrated, but if you’re an athlete that is almost never the case.
While cross country runners and other athletes are very supportive people, it has been ingrained in our minds that we must look a certain way and we are doing something wrong if we have boobs or experience chafing. When chatting with a teammate one time about the horrors of chafing on long runs, another teammate had mentioned that she doesn’t experience chafing unless she has gained weight or gets out of shape in the off-season. The funny thing is chafing is a completely normal experience for most women and has almost nothing to do with size or fitness level. If you’ve ever been running for long enough or worn a skirt in hot weather, you know this.
The stigma around body shape and weight gain is not the product of corrupt coaching or individual athletes’ mental illness, but the culture created amongst female athletes. One of the worst parts is the relationship female athletes have with food. As a participant of an intense and physically taxing sport, food is a necessity in order to fuel your body and keep you able to compete at your highest potential.
Cross country is a hotspot for eating disorders and shame surrounding what you put in our body. As someone who had almost no dietary restrictions (with the exception of lactose intolerance), that decision was interpreted as me not caring about my body. Eating with your teammates after a hard practice or a meet should be a time to bond, but was instead one of the most intense moments of body shaming and diet shaming. Comments like “That’s disgusting.”, “Are you really gonna eat that?”, “I can’t believe you eat that”, or “I would never put that in MY body.”
Commenting on someone’s diet or meal choice makes them find it hard to enjoy eating meals with other people and honestly, make you a jerk. I know what is best for my body and what may be best for you, is not going to be what’s best for me.
Within my first week of college, I was changing into pajamas in front of a friend when she complimented me on my body and told me that a specific feature that I had always thought so low of was nice. It wasn’t until later that night as I was trying to fall asleep that I realized this was the first time I had ever received a genuine, unprompted compliment of my body from a peer. Although I had received my fair share of compliments in high school, they were always accompanied by some sort of comment on how it was some sort of improvement to my body or it was a new thing.
While I appreciated the compliment immensely, my weight and physical appearance have been consistent for years and the only thing that has changed is the fact that I am no longer socializing with just other athletes.
I think one of the most important takeaways of this experience with body image is that while you may think that what you’re saying is a compliment, it is not unless you clearly state that you mean it in a complimentary way. The phrase “You have such big boobs”, regardless of your tone, is never ever perceived as a compliment on the receiving end. Additionally, making observations on someone’s body is never a kind thing to do regardless of your intentions. I am very aware that I am the only person here with said quality and you pointing it out to me will only make me feel isolated and yes….I am very aware that I have cellulite on my legs and I imagine you know exactly what it is so there’s no point in asking what the white stripes on my thighs are.