“Would you be willing to cover a morning shift tomorrow?”
Without hesitation, I say yes. And despite the gnawing feeling in my gut that tells me I don’t want to do it, I can’t bring myself to say no.
“Hey! Any chance you could help me write my assignment today? Or maybe help me edit it?”
Yes, again.
Regardless of what favours I used to get asked, I was always on board. For the longest time, I thought I was simply being reliable and honest. If I didn’t have a legitimate excuse not to do it, why would I say no? Only a pandemic would make me realize I wasn’t trying to be considerate or noble, I was simply afraid of the reaction if I said no.
People-pleasing is not considered a behavioural disorder, but according to Dr. Debra Trevisan, a clinical psychologist who’s been in private practice for 13 years, people-pleasing is associated with a personality trait known as “sociotropy,” where an individual people-pleases to maintain relationships and earn approval. To help a patient struggling with people-pleasing behaviours, Trevisan says she’d take an empathetic approach while also helping the client understand when people-pleasing can become troublesome.
“I would help [the patient] become more aware of how this behaviour can become problematic, that is, when one is trying to win approval in order to build up weak self-esteem or if one is pursuing the happiness of others at the expense of their own emotional well-being,” Trevisan wrote in an email correspondence.
When the first lockdown happened, the introvert in me was certainly not crushed. And as my days wound down and I was able to spend more free time doing whatever I pleased, I came across Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. Its daring, orange cover held up to its even more daring proclamation: that many people just care way too much.
It sounds a bit off-putting, right? You’re always told kindness is a virtue, a deeply intrinsic quality that makes us human. But Manson perfectly encapsulated that feeling of dread I got on the odd chance I decided to stick my ground and not take the extra shift or help with that essay due at midnight I was so engrossed in others’ opinions of myself that I measured my self-worth through them. To Manson, that’s a terrible metric to value your life by since it’s completely out of your control.
In truth, there will be people who won’t like you. And it’s not because you refused to do that homework question for them back in first-year – that doesn’t define your kindness.
“While being kind, agreeable and helpful is generally a good thing, going too far to please others can leave one feeling emotionally depleted, stressed and anxious,” said Trevisan.
People-pleasing can have a great effect on your mental health. In fact, Trevisan says people-pleasing can be a symptom of mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, avoidant personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and codependency or dependent personality disorder.
And when Manson practically insulted me into realizing I was doing favours for everyone out of my desire to be liked, and not some altruistic moral compass, I had a lot of work to do. I had to give up my illogical desire to be liked by everyone I met, and beyond that, I simply had to stop caring about what they thought.
It started off in little steps. I didn’t offer an excuse when asked to do something so as to “lessen the blow.” And when nothing really changed, I grew to like my new approach. From someone who used to edit high school essays written by students they didn’t even know to someone who values their self-worth through their own ambitions and goals, I think I’ve certainly come a long way.
It took a pandemic lockdown and a nauseatingly neon orange paperback, but at least now I can confidently say I don’t care what people think of me when I say no. And I mean it.