Trust me I know how you’re feeling. The end of first semester is rapidly approaching and you’re stuck with an endless array of urgent deadlines, readings and emails from your professors. On top of all of your strenuous work, in the eyes of your beloved family, remote learning has freed up your schedule for more responsibility around the house. Now you’re expected to walk your dog after your three hour lecture and return home promptly to unload the dishes. You try to catch a break in the midst of all the chaos and look down to check your phone…only to see a snoozed reminder to peer-edit your siblings’ and friends’ papers from three days ago. The guilt settles in as you know that several people are counting on you for a speedy turnover of which you had promised. I bet at this point you’ve probably asked yourself a million times why you ever said yes to these favours in the first place? Now you’re left with the weight of managing others on your shoulders and have also sacrificed any ounce of relaxation with Melissa Wood Health pilates, or unwinding with a luxurious bubble bath. I get it. It’s easy to indulge in the self-pity of feeling overworked and underappreciated by anyone who asks for a favour or two, but I’ve realized that it may be my fault for spreading myself thin. It turns out that being a people pleaser might be more problematic than we all thought.
Look, I’m not saying people pleasing is all that bad. Being agreeable in nature helps alleviate a lot of tension in stressful circumstances. Sometimes it’s easier to push my ego aside and validate another person for an efficient resolution to a problem. As a people pleaser, I’ve become accustomed to mediate, alleviate and peace the scene before things get out of hand. Although I can appreciate the positive spin I put on being a complacent person, the rational side of me can also understand that this is only healthy behaviour in moderation. To get to the bottom of it, I threw on my blue light glasses and performed a brief and hypercritical psychoanalysis of myself and fellow people pleasers. The data that I extrapolated concluded that at the root of it all people pleasers are simply afraid of confrontation. Oftentimes I find myself saying yes to things I don’t have time for just to avoid the confrontation of saying no. The irony of it all is that this patterned behaviour has left me to be confronting no one but myself about prioritizing other people’s emotions and pushing aside my own. The fear of appearing ‘too difficult’ has stemmed from experience with typical adolescent adversity. As a kid I was naturally outspoken, confrontational and was defensive if I felt a slight judgement of character. Let’s just say I wasn’t as fabulously self aware as I am now, and had to be reminded a few too many times about elements of character that needed some work. Ever since, I’ve been hyper aware of the ways I react to people in order to showcase qualities of my nature that are easy going, adaptable and agreeable, as we have been conditioned to believe that anything contradictory is problematic.
So, now that you’ve heard my brutally honest tangent on why being a people pleaser essentially sucks (sorry not sorry), you may be wondering how you’ll ever move past this fatal flaw of ours. Well, I’ve got your golden ticket to success because here are 5 tips on how to find balance between being a people pleaser and pleasing yourself.
- Being assertive is sexy
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There’s stigma behind female assertiveness being a negative trait. Often being assertive is portrayed as bossy and irrational when performed by women, as we’ve seen in a male-dominated society and media. However, I’m here to tell you that contrary to popular belief, being assertive embodies power and exudes confidence. It doesn’t make you problematic to have a difference in opinion, just as long as you’re open to dialogue. Stop apologizing for things that are important to you and stand up for what you believe, even if it isn’t the conventional point of view. Be cognizant of when you agree simply to avoid confrontation or if you’re authentically representing your opinion.
- Cut it out with the guilt complex
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When people have asked us people pleasers why we care so much I’m sure we’ve all recited the phrase “because I feel bad” far too many times. Don’t be so hard on yourself and recognize that you can’t carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. While it is selfless to help people with their responsibilities, it’s not always your obligation to do so. It’s easy to get caught in a cycle of agreeing to help someone out until it becomes an expectation that you’ll always be available. Make sure to notice the difference between feeling guilty as a result of fearing disappointment and rejection, or if you’re feeling guilty because you’ve been unreliable.
- Be your first priority
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You can’t give fuel to others when your own tank is empty. Often we get too caught up being concerned about the emotions of others that we neglect our own. It’s important to be aware of when we need time to find more balance within ourselves, especially in unprecedented circumstances. Simply put, we can never be in a place to give when we aren’t operating at our fullest potentials individually.
- Recognize where we can give
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You can be a responsible force in yours and others’ lives. It’s important to communicate what you’re comfortable with as well as set boundaries in order to avoid being taken advantage of down the line. It’s crucial to recognize the fine line between being helpful and being harmful when becoming involved in others’ responsibilities. When someone asks for your time, make sure to encourage self sufficiency through collaboration as opposed to taking complete control of their situation. Helping others is truly so fulfilling, but just make sure you’re inserting yourself where you’re needed and allow others to cultivate their own independence.
- Reframe the meaning of “me time”
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Our generation is criticized for over prioritizing our needs, as we’ve often been shamed for our self-proclaimed “me times” or “mental health days” by our older counterparts. I think that this is an outdated perception of what it means to be selfish. I believe that being selfish in turn helps us be selfless as we are able to give more to others once prioritizing ourselves. Taking time for yourself shouldn’t be looked at as overindulgence. Instead, “me time” should be understood as crucial to our well being, as it needs to be treated with the same intent as you would give to others. Invest in yourself so that you can later be an asset to the success of others.
So the next time you’re fed up with your people pleasing ways, be introspective. Be aware of your motives for prioritizing others before yourself. There will always be situations where you’ll find it is in everyone’s best interest to agree, empathize, and aid someone else before yourself. But in the occasion where you have the choice whether to confront vs to be complacent, or to take control vs to assist.. Make sure your decision will prioritize yourself in the long run.