Something that I realized quickly about myself is that I tend to be the most attracted to people and habits that are not going to be good for me in the end, and I damn well know it. But for whatever reason, I do it anyways. Specifically when it comes to men and relationships. (Does anyone else have this problem?) It’s as if anything that is good for me I turn the other way, but when something comes along that is toxic, leaves me on read, keeps me in a spot where I’m always begging for attention, driving myself crazy with obsession, or all of the above, I am all over it like bees on honey. I have sat in my room for hours and scratched my head thinking to myself time and time again, “Why do I do this to myself?”; “Why is it that I am most attracted to people that are going to cause me emotional pain and bad habits?” It’s a constant battle of going back and forth in my own head of what’s good for me and what isn’t. It wasn’t until I had my very first epiphany moment in life that I was like “OH MY GOD WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” Coming face to face with my instructive self vs. my destructive self was the first step in figuring out why I do this, but along the way, I have held on to new lessons that have helped me that I would like to share with my self-destructive friends as well. And I mean really, let’s, face it, we have all self-destructed before once or twice in our lives.
Clean Out Your Closet of Toxic People
One of the things I discovered about myself is that my addicting drug was addicting people to be around. And not in a good way. I was addicted to feeling in distress, feeling obsessed and jealous, the feeling of being insecure in general. I continued to surround myself with people who really didn’t care about me the same way I cared for them. Even though it was extremely hard to dispose of these toxic people in my life, it was well worth it for me in the end, and helped me get closer to understanding how much my self-worth really is. It’s hard to know what you deserve when you are surrounded by people who discredit you and make you believe you deserve less. I won’t lie, this was a hard adjustment, I was used to being surrounded by my “friends” rather than confronting my loneliness and the root of the problem to why I am destructive to myself and knowing it. Spending time alone to figure out what is wrong is crucial, sometimes the only thoughts and opinions you need to be hearing to figure out a problem is your own.
Confront Your Self-Destructive Behaviors
This is a time where I had to sit myself down and ask myself “why are you purposely putting yourself in harm’s way?” Why was I making the choices I was knowing that it was going to do me no good in the end? Was it my depression? My anxiety? The infamous “daddy issues?” One of the hardest parts about cleansing yourself is coming forward with your problems and that maybe confronting the issue will be hard, but will be better in the end rather than to keep avoiding it like it doesn’t exist. Coming to terms that you have toxic traits too is important to recognize, but moving forward and learning to love yourself and try to change the traits you don’t like along the way is never out of reach. My biggest fault is avoiding my pain and how I really feel deep down, and living every day as if I’m okay instead of trying to fix what is fixable.
Accept Responsibility
For a stubborn person, this was a struggle. Admitting your wrongdoing and owning it is never easy because we live in a society that is obsessed with perfectionism. We are supposed to be a mannequin that has no human nature in making mistakes, we must never show weakness or flaws. Having this pressure of perfectionism to carry on your shoulders is exhausting. The constant competition of how many likes you get on a picture, how exciting your snap chat story looks, the comparison to yourself and other people that only leads to discrediting yourself. It can be hard to accept the responsibility that you are not perfect and we as human beings do things that are hurtful to others or ourselves, we make mistakes every day, but what makes us a better person is growing from that. Owning our mistakes and bad choices, this really was the best way I started to move forward. Along the way, I started to comfort my own self and reminded myself on a daily basis that it is OKAY to mess up, it’s OKAY to make mistakes.
Feel What You Need to Feel
Avoid trying to immediately escape an emotion. Focus on long term healing instead of on instant gratification. Distress tolerance is about learning to deal with emotions instead of simply trying to avoid feeling them. Having emotions means you are human, having feelings does not make you a weak person. I noticed that I got in this habit of wanting a “quick fix” so I didn’t have to feel what I mentally needed to process and go through, I avoided it in every way possible and kept my schedule so full that I didn’t have a single second to listen to my own thoughts. This was one of the worst things I could have done for my mental health and self-destructive habits. It wasn’t until I had my first actual mental break down, in the fetal position, on the floor, that I knew I couldn’t keep doing this to myself anymore, it was self-torturous. Sometimes we avoid feeling sadness, anger, or pain because it’s negative emotions that are stemming from something else we feel like we can’t fix or change, but this is untrue. I can’t say a fairy godmother will bless you overnight and all of your toxic traits will be fixed, but if you take the time for long-term healing, you will gain a healthy habit of loving yourself even through the bad.
Remember, bottling up how you feel will not do you any good, do not discredit yourself, you are perfectly imperfect, you are human, it’s okay to make mistakes but learn from them, your self-destructive traits will not vanish overnight, love yourself through the process, and last but not least, you’ll be okay.