In my previous article, I opened up about my struggle with being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). This disorder, like many other personality disorders, is very difficult to understand and explain. Unfortunately, there are many stigmas that follow having a personality disorder. This stigma is even carried by some mental health experts/practitioners. Many think that the disorder is all that the person is, and although having a personality disorder is a big part of someone’s life, it is definitely NOT all that the person is. I am so much more than having BPD. I am a college student, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a writer, a poet, a network marketer, a hard worker, a dreamer, and more.
Many people struggle with the urges, emotions, and thoughts that go along with having BPD, and it is hard for them to explain it to someone else in a way that another person may understand. Even the best explanation can not help another without BPD truly understand what it is like.
Last January, I published a poetry book symbolizing my battles and my growth, and in some of the poems, I am expressing how it feels to have BPD and deal with its symptoms. Like I have said, I do realize that it is difficult to explain having BPD, but using symbolism and poetry is the best way that I can convey what is going on in my mind. I will display some of them in this article in hopes that it will open some minds, create some understanding, and dispose of some of the stigmas.
Page 39:
I break my head off you
I splatter all over your walls
I am a boring contradiction
Of someone who claims can love you
Then goes running when you come close
Page 93:
He alleviates his hand for just a moment
And she goes running
He looks away for just a moment
And she cowers away into the dark
She cannot keep a steady feeling of being loved
She is broken and scared
And causes chaos
Her own chaos in her own mind
Page 97:
I’m sorry I make things so hard on you
Believe me,
It is harder on myself
My head won’t ever shut up
And it is so, so loud
Page 99:
You opened me up to view my insides
You have seen every single part of me
“Vulnerable” doesn’t begin to cut it
Something that is a small breach to you
Is a gaping hole to me
I was ‘hesitantly’ willing to give myself to you
But I’m sorry, love, if I feel one prick in the wrong place,
I am fleeing
If you are to harm me while I am opened up like this
I will never be able to “be” again.
Page 101:
I’m sorry that I want to be sweet like sugar
But I put a sour taste in your mouth
As I swear up and down that I don’t feel for you
When I love you more than my body can handle
Page 103:
The fact that I envision our demise is not a good thing, baby
It is constantly in the back of my mind
Ready for when something even remotely wrong starts to play out
I can toss it out and spit it in your face like venom
And I will
Page 110:
My mind is tearing me apart
It will be the death of me
I’m driving myself absolutely crazy
And I don’t know how to fix it
I’m trapped inside myself
And watching myself do things that are involuntary
I want to harm you when I wish to do no such thing
I’m a prisoner to my mind
It makes my heart beat out of control
When there is nothing to fear
And the smallest things can make me run
It plays back everything that has hurt me
Only to make me hurt all over again
Like it is the very first time
To set me on fire
To drown me in pain
I am exhausted, and I am drifting
But it does not stop
Page 111:
I can’t help it
I can’t help that your touch feels
Like flower petals softly brushing against my cheek
But it also feels
Like metal nails scraping against my skin
I can’t help it
I can’t help that I want to dart into your arms
But at the same time, I want to cower away from you and escape
I can’t help it
I can’t help that you settle my mind
Yet you shoot me it into a storm I can’t calm
I can’t help it
I can’t help that I want you to hold me and never let me go
Yet I want to push you off me and run
I can’t help it
I can’t help that you make my heart race
And you still break my chest
I can’t help it
I can’t help that you’re my safe spot
Yet you frighten every bone in my body
I can’t help it
I can’t help that I’m indescribably in love with you
And I still can’t open all the way up to you
I can’t help it, and it hurts my head
I can’t help it, and it exhausts me
I can’t help it, and it is killing me
I can’t help that I am this way
And it is not your fault either, my love
But with your help and care
Maybe someday I can help it
There are more poems in my book about my BPD, but I selected a few that were shorter and that I thought would be useful in expressing myself. I have been diagnosed with BPD since I was 18. There have been several obstacles and very hard times with having to manage, come to terms with, and get to know this part of me. Now at 20, I have been able to grow even more and understand myself even better. That is what I have always hoped for upon receiving this diagnosis. Of course, I still have a lot of room to grow and manage, but I have come such a long way and I am proud of myself.
If you or anyone else needs to talk to someone or if you have any questions about BPD, please do not hesitate to reach out to me. I will give you any help that I can.
If interested, this book can be purchased on Amazon or eKindle.
HXCO, Kasidy