“Everything happens for a reason.” “At least you have your health.” “Just think positive.” Phrases like these are often said with the intention of comforting someone who is going through a difficult time. However, depending on the situation, what seems like an attempt to help can make someone feel that they should not be sad, frustrated or afraid, invalidating their emotions.
This is the context in which the term “toxic positivity” has emerged. It is used to describe the pressure to maintain a positive outlook even in situations that naturally provoke negative emotions. Clinical psychologist Giulia Boyago Priore explains that the term is not yet a consolidated psychological concept and that the discussion can be related to phenomena such as emotional invalidation and unrealistic optimism.
The problem, Giulia explains, is not simply thinking positively, but when positivity begins to replace or silence a legitimate emotional experience.
Someone who has lost their job, for example, may be sad. Saying “at least you have your health” or “everything happens for a reason” can cause that pain to be dismissed. “It’s as if you were invalidating a pain that is real and legitimate,” she says.
Optimism is not the same as denying what you feel
Experiencing a negative emotion does not necessarily mean having a pessimistic outlook on life. For the psychologist, optimism can coexist with sadness. A person can acknowledge that they are suffering while also believing that the situation may improve.
Toxic positivity works differently: “I can’t be sad, I have to think positive, everything will be fine, that’s it,” the psychologist explains.
The difference lies precisely in how the emotion is treated. In healthy emotional regulation, it is not necessary to eliminate feelings considered negative. Instead, it is important to recognize, understand and learn to deal with them without feeling completely overwhelmed.
“Overcoming” is a word that requires caution, according to Giulia. This is because overcoming an emotion does not necessarily mean stopping yourself from feeling it. For her, healthy emotional regulation involves recognizing and understanding a feeling and being able to regulate it without being controlled by it: “So you can deal with it, but it doesn’t take over,” she explains.
This also does not mean that a person needs to express an emotion all the time. The problem arises when someone tries to avoid or suppress what they are feeling and creates a kind of fantasy that “everything will be fine” without actually reflecting on the emotion or allowing themselves to experience it. In this sense, for Giulia, the issue lies more in distancing oneself from the feeling than in how it is expressed.
Psychological support can also be part of this process, helping people understand and cope with their emotions.
Happiness has also become content
Social media can intensify this dynamic. This happens because users choose what to show, write before posting and select specific moments from their lives.
The psychologist compares this process to a family photograph: “Imagine a family gathering where everyone is arguing. When someone asks for a picture, everyone smiles for a few seconds. That is the moment that may end up being posted. To someone looking at the picture, it may seem like the family was enjoying a happy and special moment, even though the photograph does not show what happened before or after it.”
Research on social media behavior helps put this perception into context. A longitudinal study published in Computers in Human Behavior found an association between greater authenticity in online self-presentation and greater psychological well-being. The findings suggest that the way people present themselves on social media may be related to their satisfaction with life.
Another study, published in Telematics and Informatics, analyzed the effects of being exposed to other people’s positive self-presentation on social media. The researchers found a relationship between this type of content, social comparison and reduced subjective well-being under certain circumstances.
This does not mean that social media is necessarily the problem behind everything. For Giulia, it would be reductive to blame social media entirely. The pressure to control negative emotions existed before the internet and social media. In this sense, platforms can amplify behaviors that were already present in society.
When even suffering has to be productive
The pressure to remain positive can also appear in the workplace. Phrases such as “be productive,” “be grateful” and “work while they sleep” associate happiness and productivity with a constant obligation.
According to Giulia Boiago Priori, the problem arises when even a negative experience is expected to be quickly transformed into growth, productivity or performance.
She describes this process as a kind of instrumentalization of emotions, “ a negative experience only seems acceptable when it can produce something in return.”
But mental health does not mean feeling good all the time. Sadness, fear, anger, frustration and guilt are also part of the human experience and can serve important functions.
For Priori, the goal of emotional regulation is not to produce constant happiness, but to develop the flexibility to experience emotions that are compatible with what is happening and respond to them in a functional way.
How can we offer support without invalidating someone’s feelings?
If toxic positivity can silence an emotion, supporting someone does not necessarily mean finding a solution or immediately trying to turn a difficult situation into something positive.
Giulia emphasizes the importance of listening and empathy: “Validating someone’s feelings does not mean agreeing with every interpretation they have of a situation. It means recognizing that the emotion exists and understanding the suffering involved.”
Sometimes, there is no phrase capable of making sadness disappear. And perhaps that should not be the goal.
Instead of saying “don’t be sad,” it may be more important to allow someone to say that they are sad. Instead of immediately looking for a positive side, listen. After all, dealing with our emotions does not mean turning every difficult moment into a lesson. It also means recognizing that, sometimes, things simply are not okay.
—————————-
The article above was edited by Alyah Gomes.
Liked this type of content? Check Her Campus Cásper Líbero for more!