I didn’t realize how heavy anxiety was until I noticed how often it followed me everywhere. Some days, I’m already fatigued when I wake up, my stomach drops when getting an email, and it even slows down my replaying of conversations in my head long after they have ended. Anxiety can be so suppressed that you might not even notice it. Sometimes it may just be that nagging feeling of anxiety that you hear as a constant drone from college life.
On campus, it seems like everybody is always on the go, constantly productive, and always achieving something remarkable. It feels like there is an unspoken pressure to be at the same level as everyone else, even when you are barely holding it together. I have found myself measuring my value by my grades or how I look to others. Anxiety dwells in that thought pattern; it scares me that if I take some time for myself, I am going to miss something, and if that happens, that means I have failed.
Anxiety is tough because it is so invisible. I can be very focused in class, nodding and smiling, but at the same time, my mind is spinning over all the things I haven’t done and all the things I might have done wrong. I can be so cheerful and joking with friends that nobody would guess that I am worried that I have said something that they might not like. To others, things may seem alright, but internally, I feel that I am always on the lookout for something to go wrong.
For so many years, I was convinced that anxiety was the kind of thing you had to force yourself through without complaining. I really thought that if other people experienced it, it would be so little, and that if I talked about it, I would be considered weak; however, acting as if I were okay just resulted in it becoming greater. The fact is, if you disregard your anxiety, it won’t go away; it will only change into a quieter, more suffocating feeling.
For me, really, the main thing that I have been acknowledging is that anxiety is simply one of the things that happens in my life. I have found that being able to openly talk with friends/family, taking time off if I have been feeling tired, and letting myself say that it’s okay to be down at times have all been small but significant steps in the right direction, and some days can still be tough, and there’s nothing wrong with that either.
If you have anxiety during college, I just want you to know that you’re not the only one, even if it seems so. Your struggle doesn’t make you a failure, and if you need some time, you aren’t behind. College is not only about getting a career, but it’s also about learning to care for yourself, and sometimes, deciding to go on softly is more than enough.