People say there’s no way to make breakups easier—you just have to experience it, learn from it, and let time heal. In a way, I agree but I also think there’s a method to ease some of the pain: no contact. This entails not hanging out with the ex post-breakup, not calling them, not texting them… essentially removing them from your life and hopefully your thoughts.
The ideal no contact plan is as follows: block them on everything (you’d be surprised by the apps men will use to message you), delete all pics together, and fill your newfound extra time with a fun or productive hobby. Easier said than done, I know, but remember when Emily Gilmore told Lorelai “he’s just a man”? She’s right.
No contact has been trending on social media for a while now, but it’s far from being one of the countless relationship-esque buzzwords like “delulu” or “situationship”. I’d deem it to be an actual method/technique concerning the effects of keeping communication following a breakup. It’s a method for the peace of mind for you, not for them, and most definitely not a scheme to get back at them (though that might be a side effect).
I’ve done the breaking up and I’ve been broken up with, and I’ve handled each one differently. The classic being “just friends” with them, which, let’s be real, is really just a delusion to keep them in your life. Getting back together because of his promise to change, just for him to uphold that promise for maybe two weeks max. I can confidently say now, based on many heartbreaks and disappointments from boyfriends, I will always advocate for no contact.
Think about it in terms of quitting something like nicotine. Sure, you can wean yourself off slowly, but isn’t cold turkey the most effective? It might be harder in the moment, but I promise months from now you’ll thank yourself. A man will take years from your life just like that Geek Bar will.
There’s certainly a timeline involved, as it generally gets easier as time passes but it is not a linear process. The wonderful and wise Charlotte York once reminded us of the common theory that it takes half of the total duration of the relationship to get over someone. I hate to disagree with the Park Avenue princess, but from my experience, there’s no math or equation that can define a breakup. I’ll admit, there are exceptions. If he’s a family friend, or the relationship ended because of distance/something not personal, it might be beneficial to keep some contact just for the sake of cordiality.
The issue is that it’s easier than ever to remain in contact with an ex. You see their IG stories, someone drinks a bit too much and calls, they “don’t wanna lose the streak” on Snapchat… UCSB girls know all too well what it’s like to somehow manage to run into him on our campus of 26,000 students. The constant technological temptation and occasional unavoidable run-ins seem like a cruel joke.
Of course, being in college, there will be moments where maintaining no contact actually affects your life negatively. Maybe your ex happened to be in your favorite frat, and their annual dayger is coming up that all of your friends are going to. Should you go, knowing the odds of seeing him and breaking no contact are high? It’s definitely a subjective scenario, but I actually think the best thing to do is to not let his existence ruin your fun and just go. After all, the point of this technique is to feel unaffected by his presence.
Let’s say you’ve been making me proud and keeping zero contact with this ex, but he’s the one to break no contact–what now? In most cases, ignore it! Leave it on read, or, better yet, don’t read it. I’m not saying this to be evil, or to advise you to be evil; I don’t love the trending mantra of “you don’t owe anyone anything” because it can turn into unnecessary selfishness. But in this case though, they owe you space that they aren’t giving you and are subsequently disrespecting a simple boundary you set.
When you’re in a relationship, especially at a young age, it can feel like your life is being lived by not just you but also this extension of you (your partner). After breaking up, it used to take me a while to remember how to be alone again; not having someone to text every detail of your day to, no falling asleep alongside someone, no default person to take to Target with you. This is when you give yourself a real chance at individuality, when you can live day-to-day being content with just your own presence, which is beautiful. Text your mom, take your roommate to target with you, fall asleep on FaceTime with your long distance friend… the removal of one relationship opens doors to strengthen so many others.
There has never been a time I don’t regret breaking no contact. It may seem scary, but the ex has to go, whether it’s letting them leave or forcing them out. Out of sight, out of mind.