At the 2024 Grammy Awards, Taylor Swift was awarded Album Of The Year for her project Midnights. Swifties everywhere rejoiced at the singer’s record-breaking win, but I had my eye on Lana Del Rey as she missed out on the honor for yet another year. While Lana kept her composure as she stood on the stage, watching her friend receive the award she was hoping to receive, I realized she was in a position so many of us have been in before: when your friend gets the thing you’ve always wanted.
Whether it be a relationship, a promotion, a sorority bid, or getting picked for an opportunity you were both considered for, having anyone get the thing you wanted, in simplest terms, sucks. However, that feeling of jealousy can quickly change to confusion when it’s your friend who beats you out. You want to be proud, and you want to support them… you can’t help but feel like it should be you in their place instead. And if you’ve been there, you’ve been there.
While I’ve never had a friend beat me out for a Grammy, I’ve had my fair share of “always an angel, never a God” moments — and I’m sure you have too. So, I chatted with mental health and relationship experts Linh Trần MSW, LSWAIC, and Michelle English, LCSW, about what to do when your friend gets the thing you originally wanted.
It’s ok to feel sad, or even jealous, when a friend gets picked over you.
If you’ve been there, you know the feeling. Whether they tried to or not, when a friend gets picked over you, it can feel like you have to put your emotions to the side and simply be happy for them. But, according to the experts, it’s totally valid to feel upset, envious, and just flat-out sad when your friend gets the thing you also wanted. “It can be challenging to see someone else achieve something we have hoped for, especially if we worked hard to achieve it ourselves,” English tells Her Campus. “Feeling sad or disappointed in this situation does not make you a bad friend or person; it simply indicates that you are human with feelings and desires.”
In fact, Trần says that not sitting in these negative feelings, including jealousy, can do more harm than good in the long run: “It does not help to put a moral value to this very natural response. In fact, when people try to suppress their jealousy, this act can build up resentment over time and create deep fractures in the friendship.”
Supporting your friend doesn’t have to exclude supporting yourself.
Not achieving the thing you worked hard for sucks. Point-blank, period. But if your friend is the one who ended up on top, feeling both jealous and proud can result in a lot of emotional confusion. So, how can you honor your feelings of loss, while still being supportive of your friend’s win? Trần and English have some insight.
For example, taking a step back to process your loss can allow you to show up as a better friend later on. “Showing support for a friend’s win is important, but it doesn’t need to come at your own expense,” Trần says. “It is up to you to which extent you’d like to show support beyond the initial congratulations, while still honoring your feelings: A lot of the time, when you do take time to care for yourself, you will free up space in your heart and mind to feel genuine joy for your friend.”
Similarly, try to remind yourself that these things, however hurtful they may be, happen for a reason. While your friend may be in the spotlight now, that doesn’t mean that your time isn’t coming — it just means your time isn’t now. “Just because someone else has something we desire does not mean we cannot achieve or obtain it on our own time,” English says. “Instead of dwelling on negative emotions, try to change your perspective and be happy for your friend’s success while remaining motivated to achieve your own goals.”
Supporting your friend doesn’t have to mean that you have to throw a huge party or shower them with enthusiastic praise right after losing out on the opportunity yourself. Instead, offer sincere congratulations and a hug before taking some time to yourself to process before coming back stronger.
The jealousy and sadness will pass, but it will take time.
These feelings of sadness and jealousy are uncomfortable, and you may try to snuff them out so you can be the best, most supportive friend you can be. But heavy feelings don’t go away overnight, and if you try to rush them out, you might become even more frustrated than before.
Taking the time to process jealousy and sadness can look different for everyone, but Trần recommends airing it all out with some good ‘ol pen and paper. “Give that jealous part a mic and just write out whatever that part wants to say, without needing to tell anyone about it or even re-reading it,” Trần says. “Whatever comes out might not be socially appropriate or even reflective of how you think or feel all the time, but it feels true to that strong part in you at that moment, and so we’ll let it out without judgment.”
After you let it all out, it can feel cathartic to either rip up that paper, delete that voice recording, or burn that notebook (safely, OFC) to truly let go of those negative feelings. “The purpose of this exercise is not to keep records but to vent without worry that someone might misunderstand your intentions,” Trần says.
English also recommends taking some time for yourself and incorporating elements of self-care into your routine. “Journaling, practicing mindfulness or meditation, participating in a hobby or creative outlet, taking a relaxing bath, walking, or spending time in nature are all examples of private self-care,” she says.
It’s not easy to feel disappointed, especially if you’re trying to support a friend at the same time. But, these two feelings can coexist. It doesn’t make you a “bad person,” or even a bad friend, to feel multiple true things at once — it makes you human.