Content warning: This article discusses mentions of abuse. We often think we can immediately recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship right away — until it happens to someone close to us. Suddenly, we might be second-guessing ourselves. You’ve started to notice that something seems off with your friend. The signs are subtle, but watching someone you love struggle behind closed doors can leave you struggling to figure out how to support them when you don’t know what’s going on.
You might feel helpless, scared to bring it up, or unsure if you’re overreacting. But when patterns start to emerge — like your friend seems more withdrawn, they have to ask their partner for permission before making little decisions, or they frequently seem on edge — it can be impossible to ignore, and is oftentimes a warning sign that something more might be going on.
Domestic violence doesn’t always look like what we see in movies. It can be subtle and almost unnoticeable — and it doesn’t always have to be physical. Abuse can be emotional, psychological, sexual, financial, and verbal — and many victims struggle even recognizing that they’re being abused. Every situation is different, and oftentimes, victims don’t reach out for help either. So, what do you do if you suspect your friend may be in a domestic violence situation?
I spoke with Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Complex Trauma Clinical Professional Katie Fries as well as Psychotherapist, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Certified Narcissistic Abuse Treatment Clinician Emily Swisher to find out what exactly you should do if you suspect your friend might be in a domestic violence situation, and what your next steps should be.
Look Out For Possible Warning Signs.
Abuse can come in so many different forms, which is why it’s so important to look out for possible warning signs. Whether it’s your social friend suddenly isolating themselves, saying things such as “My partner would be upset if I went out” or “I have to get home to my partner,” this can be a sign of possible abuse or control in the relationship, Fries explains. This can also include your friend feeling “expressing anxiety about their choices,” Fries says, which includes “where they go, what they do, what they wear, [and] what they spend money on.”
If you’ve noticed your friend, “who was once confident and outgoing, now presenting as removed, insecure, timid, or solely focused on their partner,” then this can be a huge warning sign that something is off, as Swisher explains. Sure, we’ve all had that friend who stops going out as much because they’re obsessed with their partner, but this can be normal in a relationship, which is why it’s important to look specifically for “controlling and isolating behaviors,” Swisher warns.
Other specific warning signs Swisher says to look out for are if your friend is constantly checking in with their partner at all times, withdrawing or using harmful coping mechanisms to numb or avoid emotions, being less forthcoming and engaged, or suddenly having random injuries or bruises. Additionally, Swisher says to seek help if you notice that your friend’s partner expresses disdain for certain friends, activities, or situations that your friend is no longer allowed to engage in, or sabotages your friend’s plans by constantly calling, texting, or accusing them of lying.
Approach the situation without judgment.
If you suspect that your friend is in an abusive relationship, it’s crucial to be really careful with how you approach the situation. Someone in an abusive relationship might struggle leaving, or even “go through a series of breakups and getting back together with their partner,” Swisher explains. According to Fries, “It’s important not to speak poorly about their partner or make accusations.” A person in an abusive cycle might not see anything wrong with their partner’s actions, and may only feel the need to defend their partner. Making “neutral observations that support your friend in coming to their own conclusions and considering how they feel about being in the relationship,” is a good approach to addressing your concerns about your friend’s relationship, Fries says. Speaking with empathy and care, rather than shame and criticism, is essential when addressing concerns with your friend, Fries mentions.
Additionally, “connecting your friend with a mental health professional who can help your friend identify the pattern and understand the psychology behind their partner’s actions is imperative,” Swisher advises. While your friend may be resistant at first, Swisher says it’s crucial for them to have a safe place where they can share their emotions, as well as the ability to distance themself from their partner. “The more your friend can feel relaxed, grounded, and safe, the more she will begin to recognize how anxious and hypervigilant they feel around their partner,” which is why seeking professional help is so crucial, Swisher explains.
Create A Safety Plan And Seek Professional Help.
It can be really scary having your friend tell you that they’re in a domestic violence situation. You might be scared for their life, and not entirely sure what to do or how to approach the situation. And odds are, if your friend is at the point where they’re opening up to other people about their abusive relationship, this could be a sign that things are escalating — and not in a good way. “If your friend tells you they are in a domestically abusive situation, resist the urge to tell them what to do,” Fries advises. “Instead, ask them what they would like to do and how you can help them.” Telling them to leave the relationship can be risky, as according to Fries, “research has shown that the most dangerous time for people in domestically abusive relationships is when they’re trying to leave the relationship,”
Instead, helping your friend make a safety plan, or even a code word, can be incredibly beneficial, because what your friend needs most in this moment is someone to listen and provide support and resources. This includes “outside professional help — which starts with filing a police report,” Swisher advises. While your friend may not want to, it’s imperative to their safety, and it “helps to create a paper trail timeline of the violence that has occurred” in case a necessary protective order needs to be filed in the future. However, this might not be the best decision in all situations, as it can potentially “increase the abuse,” according to Fries, which is why it’s important to treat this situation incredibly carefully and figure out what the best steps.
Additionally, seeking a mental health professional can be incredibly beneficial for your friend as well, as it provides them a safe place to unpack their emotions, build coping strategies, and learn to regain their strength and voice. “Ultimately, it is important that your friend knows that they have your support and that you trust that they will make decisions that are best for them,” Fries says.
Leaving An Abusive Relationship Isn’t Easy.
“It can be hard to understand why someone has tolerated an abusive relationship, especially when you are likely learning about it months, if not years, into a pattern of abusive behavior,” Swisher says. You might be wondering why your friend hasn’t left yet, but it’s honestly not that easy. Whether it’s the abusive partner promising to change, love-bombing with grand romantic gestures after patterns of abuse, or making threats, leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult and truly takes a lot of strength. “People stay in abusive relationships for a variety of reasons, including lack of resources to leave, care, and a bond to the abusive partner, and fear of what may happen if they attempt to leave,” Fries adds.
Additionally, there’s an intensive lack of resources nationwide for domestic abuse survivors, Fries shares. While there are a plethora of helpful resources, they often remain underfunded and overbooked. This is why it’s so important to act as a support to your friend — whether it’s through offering rides, a place to stay, or even just a shoulder to cry on, it can really make a difference.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org