Spoiler alert: Spoilers for Love Is Blind Season 11 follow. On Nov. 9, Love Is Blind Season 11 concluded with one of the most intense reunions yet, with one couple, Sarah and John, at the center. During the reunion, details emerged about the couple’s relationship and subsequent divorce as a result of cheating, as well as John’s behavior toward Sarah in their marriage — including instances of what she described as “viping,” which alludes to verbal aggression in relationships.
From the beginning, many could argue that Sarah and John weren’t a match. While they did form a connection in the pods, the two disagreed on fundamental issues such as their stances on abortion and reproductive healthcare and opinions on gender roles and religion — both of which John had a more conservative stance on — as well as communication styles. Still, the two decided to get married at the end of the experiment and were the only couple on Season 11 to do so.
However, at the reunion, John and Sarah revealed that they had gotten a divorce after a year of marriage, citing John’s infidelity as the final straw. According to John, he had texted a sex worker in an “unhusbandly way” while on a “boys’ night,” despite still being married to Sarah. John admitted that nothing physical happened, but said that his behavior betrayed Sarah. “I don’t blame her at all for leaving,” John said at the reunion. “It’s been really hard.”
While Sarah left John after finding out, she said that there were other instances in their marriage that caused her to want to leave. Most notably, Sarah claimed that John would often speak down to her, calling her “dumb” and lashing out at her verbally. “I’ve never been spoken to by a man like that ever,” Sarah said. “I was constantly hearing, like, negative things about myself, which is hard to hear from, like, the person who’s supposed to love you.”
Sarah said that she and John called this behavior “viping,” explaining that it’s when “someone says something that sets you off [and] you react really quickly” by saying something hurtful. “We’d be just having a normal day, and I’d say something, and I’d get, like, ‘viped,'” Sarah added.
What exactly is “viping,” and what do you do if a partner does it to you?
While “viping” isn’t a term traditionally used in relationship psychology, it’s something that happens frequently in emotionally hostile relationships. Andreea Tanase, founder of Heal Thrive Prosper and trauma-informed relational wellness educator, speaker, author, and coach, describes viping as “reactive verbal aggression, potentially driven by difficulties with emotional regulation.”
And according to Tanase, viping is more than just disagreeing or communicating ineffectively during a conflict. “Viping is different because the person does not respond well to the conflict itself,” she says. “They don’t communicate to come to a resolution; they default to making the other person the problem, being hurtful, and defending themselves.”
Tanase says that these behaviors — lashing out verbally and aggressively — can oftentimes appear early in relationships. “Pay attention to the level of patience the other person has when they are inconvenienced or frustrated in public: how they treat staff at restaurants, Uber drivers, etc. can be indications,” she says. “If someone is quick to anger and be rude, it can show in these situations.”
Of course, having a heated moment doesn’t immediately mean a partner is inherently unsafe. Still, the behavior is something to keep an eye on. “Everyone experiences hard times and difficult emotions, but feeling hurt, frustrated, or defensive doesn’t give someone permission to lash out or verbally attack their partner,” Tanase clarifies. “It doesn’t mean that the person will be verbally aggressive to you in the future, but it can be important to notice how they act in different situations.”
And if a partner does “vipe” in an argument? “I would question whether this is a normal and habitual behavior of the person,” Tanase says. “Does the person take accountability for their behavior and try to repair the harm? Is it a repeated pattern, or do they work on their reactivity and do better moving forward?” According to Tanase, answering these questions can lead you to decide what to do next. “If they blame the other person, justify their reactions, and have a pattern of this behavior over a long period of time, I would question if this is the partner you want to be with,” she says.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org