We’ve all heard of ghosting, where someone suddenly stops responding to your messages for unknown reasons. But now, there’s a new trend on the scene that manages to be worse than its predecessors — and it’s called “cloaking.” Picture this: you match with someone on an app, hit it off while messaging, and even set a time and place for your first date. When the day finally comes, you get dressed up, spritz your favorite perfume, and head to where you’re set to meet your match. After 10 minutes, no communication, and no sign of your date, you begin to fear that you’ve been stood up. And when you go to message them, you immediately find out that your number has been blocked with no notice, no explanation, and no closure.
Simply put, cloaking is when an individual does not show up for a date — even if you already confirmed plans — and then proceeds to block you on everything. The term was coined by Rachel Thompson after a “truly terrible dating experience” where she was stood up and subsequently blocked by a match. “With ghosting, you’re left wondering whether the person will eventually respond,” says relationship expert Dr. Azita Sayan. “[But] with cloaking, you’re confronted with the reality that they’ve deliberately shut you out.”
In Sayan’s opinion, cloaking can be “deliberate and hurtful” as well as “psychologically damaging and traumatic” to the person on the other end of the act. “[It] can leave someone confused, rejected, and questioning what went wrong,” she adds. Tough.
And while people have their reasons for “cloaking” a match — whether that be to avoid an awkward conversation, or maybe they feel unsafe after making the plans already — what happens if you’re the one on the receiving end of cloaking? Sayan gave us some insight.
As hard as it is, accept that you’ve been cloaked.
If a match suddenly cloaks you out of the blue, it’s OK to feel disappointment, confusion, and betrayal — even if you never had a label to begin with. And instead of pushing those feelings down, take the time to really feel them. “If you’re hurt, acknowledge your feelings,” Sayan says. “Disappointment is human.”
Navigating the situation can be difficult because you’re left wondering if you did something wrong. But, for the most part, the answer isn’t even that deep. “We don’t like unanswered questions, especially when our feelings are involved,” Sayan says. “Sometimes, the explanation you’re desperately searching for is right in front of you: this person has chosen not to communicate with you.”
Don’t play detective.
So while you may not understand why that person has chosen to end the connection, it’s important to still understand that they ended it — and that means you should too. At the end of the day, it is not your job to figure out why you were cloaked. According to Sayan, “The goal of dating isn’t to convince someone to choose you. It’s to discover whether the two of you are capable of choosing each other and creating a healthy, loving relationship.” Clearly, if someone cloaked you, they would not have been a good partner for you. So, recognize that, take it for what it’s worth, and move on.
Move on, and don’t dwell on it.
After being cloaked, you may feel like giving up on dating — which is, of course, a totally valid feeling. When you feel like your trust has been broken, it’s normal to be apprehensive about sharing yourself with anyone else in the future. But Sayan advises that in situations like these, you need to move on from the negative feelings: “Don’t allow this experience to make you cynical, suspicious, or afraid of opening your heart again.” In essence, it’s easy to let one bad experience ruin everything — but it’s just as important to let yourself grow from your past.
To put it simply, being cloaked sucks — but it isn’t always a reflection on you. So, acknowledge your feelings, move on from the situation, and remember that you will meet the person who is meant for you. After all, your future person wouldn’t be the type to cut you off out of nowhere anyway, right?