If you asked me what I was looking forward to most when I turned 21 a couple of years ago, I would’ve said drinking in a heartbeat. In my late teens, I dreamt about the nights that my friends and I would spend together in bars when I got older, the cute Instagram stories I’d post of our drinks, staying out late, and giggling as I (drunkenly) stumbled downtown. However, throughout my college experience, my perception (and subsequent relationship) with alcohol changed — and after one night, I realized that drinking and getting drunk wasn’t as glamorous as I made it out to be.
The first time I drank in college wasn’t with my friends or at a party — it was at a pregame that I decided to go to at the last minute. It was a chilly autumn night, and I was aimlessly wandering campus in an effort to clear my head: My grandma had passed away three weeks into my junior year of college, and in the same week, I had gone no contact with my father and broken up with my long-term partner. Needless to say, I was going through it. Nothing I was doing — talking to people close to me, seeing my therapist and writing — was helping, and I was desperate for a distraction.
Eventually, I came across a building I knew a pregame was happening at. I tried joining a student organization (and stopped going after my grandma’s death), and knew they were having a pregame that night to kick off the new semester. Deep down, I knew it was a stupid idea to go. I knew that drinking while I was in the state I was in was a bad decision, and that alcohol would only make things worse — not better. But at the same time, I saw the pregame as an opportunity to turn off all the emotions I was feeling, so against my better judgment, I decided to stop by.
I found that drinking was a way to quiet the voices in my head, to make the emotions I was feeling hurt less.
Prior to this, I had never attended a party. The whole experience was a new one to me: There were so many people I didn’t know, so many new drinks to try that night.
I don’t remember much from that night, but what I do remember is reaching for a new drink more times than I can remember. One drink turned into three, then five, then seven. I ended up drinking so much that I couldn’t stand or walk without help. One of the girls in the organization ended up having to walk me back to my dorm. Looking back on it, it was extremely embarrassing — but at the time, it was the freest I felt in a while. I found that drinking was a way to quiet the voices in my head, to make the emotions I was feeling hurt less.
From there, I took every opportunity I could that semester to get drunk. Granted, there weren’t many opportunities in the first place, but when I did have one, I drank to extremes. I’d especially do so when I was stressed or was feeling overwhelmed by my emotions. Drinking was one of the ways I coped with my grief and stress in college (and even after that), but that wasn’t something I realized until after I graduated.
It was actually my graduation dinner that made me realize that the way I chose to cope by drinking didn’t just affect me — it affected the people I loved most, too. I had stopped drinking when I moved back home from college, but I didn’t shy away from a drink when we visited a nice restaurant or celebrated a major event.
The night of my graduation dinner was supposed to go smoothly, but it didn’t. I was tired and irritated after work, got into an argument with my partner at the time, and was late to my own graduation dinner. All I did in the car on the way there was cry from how stressed I was.
At the dinner, I drank a little more than I should’ve to try to calm down. I downed a couple glasses of sangria and had another drink on top of that. I began to feel relaxed and a little silly, but instead of being met with amusement like I was in college, the people around me were concerned.
Drinking didn’t just affect me — it also made the people around me worry about me and the way I used alcohol to manage my emotions.
Seeing their reactions made it click: Drinking didn’t just affect me — it also made the people around me worry about me and the way I used alcohol to manage my emotions. It was actually my girlfriend who made me realize that what I was doing could lead me to develop alcoholic tendencies. From there, I reflected on my drinking habits and ended up setting new boundaries for myself.
I realized the problem wasn’t that I was drinking — it was why I was drinking. Drinking for fun was one thing, but doing it to drown out any negative emotion I was having was another. I was doing the latter, and it was unhealthy. The experience made me realize how important it is to be aware of when and why you drink.
When I drink now, I always make sure I’m in a good mental space. I realized that I don’t have to stop drinking completely — I just have to be aware of when and where and how I was feeling when I did so. Partying in college can be fun, sure: It’s completely normal as long as you’re being safe and responsible, but it’s not a way to cope. Confronting my relationship with alcohol made me realize healing isn’t in a bottle — no matter how fun it looked at first.
If you or someone you know is seeking help for substance use, call the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP(4357).