So, you’ve decided to study abroad. First of all, let me send you a big congratulations; you’re in for an experience full of growth and new insights. But of course, amidst the researching, planning, and daydreaming, there are also probably lots of worries — especially if you’re in a relationship.
Now that you’ve decided to go away for a few months, it puts a big question mark on many aspects of your relationship — whether you’re doing the right thing, if it’ll last, how you’ll make it work, and how your SO will react to the news — even if you’re confident in your relationship.
Trust me: I’ve been there. It wasn’t until I hit the “accept” button that my time and distance away from my SO actually dawned upon me. From then on, we were flying by the seat of our pants, because neither of us knew how to navigate the situation. Looking back, there are several things I wish we discussed or clarified, which would have reduced our stress, sadness, and disagreements.
And so, in efforts to ensure your time away — and the weeks leading up to the goodbye — are as positive and smooth as possible, here are some essential topics to bring up with your partner before you leave.
Make it a statement, not a question.
Before you’ve committed to going abroad, ensure that your relationship doesn’t act as a barrier or a reason for you to second-guess the opportunity. Studying abroad is a once-in-a-lifetime experience that will significantly improve your maturity and independence. Your SO should never stop you from taking on such an exciting opportunity — especially one that doesn’t have to result in a hiatus or breakup.
Assuming your relationship is stable and healthy, your SO will still be there when you get back. Plus, your SO shouldn’t need to sign off on all the decisions you make. So, when you tell your partner, don’t ask them, “Is it okay if I study abroad?” — instead, tell them directly, “I’m studying abroad.”
If your SO gives you grief or trouble for choosing to go away, just remind them that you’d never want to compromise your own growth and happiness for someone else, and although it won’t be easy, your relationship will prevail as long as you both prioritize it.
Look at it as a new challenge to overcome.
Before leaving for my semester abroad, one quote was especially helpful in reminding me that I made the right decision by studying abroad: “Real gold is not afraid of the test of fire.”
Challenges are the source of additional growth in every situation, and that doesn’t stop at relationships. Not seeing each other for a few months is an amazing chance to prove your commitment, trust, loyalty, and love for each other — and that your relationship is “real gold.” Yes, it’ll be difficult not seeing each other, but what better way to develop your own independence and build upon your existing bond than by embarking on a new challenge?
The truth is, if your relationship can’t survive a few months of long distance, it probably isn’t right anyway. If you’re confident about the state of your relationship, you shouldn’t be worried about breaking up from a few months of separation. When talking to your partner before going abroad, ensure you’re both looking at the experience with a positive attitude — this will help you both in the long run.
Establish an end date.
Of course, you’ll be mentally preparing for the day you leave — but it’s equally important to look further into the future and clarify how long this experience will be.
Even if you don’t have an exact time yet, state an approximate day, and mark it in your calendars. This will give you both proper context and clarification as to how long you’ll actually be apart — but equally importantly, establishing an end date gives you both something to look forward to. You’ll begin to find yourself daydreaming about the day you’ll be reunited, maybe even as much as you fear your date of departure.
Decide on a communication plan.
This may seem like a “we’ll cross that bridge when we get there” conversation, but it’s actually super important to set your expectations right off the bat. Figure out when and how often you can text, call, and FaceTime, based on your schedules (and don’t forget about the time difference!). You can obviously discuss this more concretely closer to the day you leave, but the point is, setting a communication plan right away provides a sense of comfort and ensures that you’re both on the same page.
Set realistic expectations for visiting each other.
Of course, in an ideal world, your SO will be able to visit you while you’re away, and you’ll spend a nice, romantic week or weekend together. But if they can’t find the time or means to do so, refrain from getting defensive or angry. This is another essential topic to discuss in order to ensure that your expectations are aligned with one another’s — and with reality.
Don’t put financial pressure on your SO, and don’t assume that they’ll be able to drop everything and come visit you. Instead, ask them if it’s within their budget and schedule, and if not, remember that it’s not necessarily a reflection of their commitment to you.
Don’t put too much pressure on the time before you leave.
My SO and I agreed that the worst part of long distance (so far) was the time leading up to our goodbye. We were so consumed with the stress, sadness, and dread of being apart, and it was harder for us to spend time together without thinking about it. This led us to put more pressure on ourselves to ensure our last moments together were perfect — and when unexpected issues arose, we (okay, I) became more upset and inflexible than usual.
So, when talking to your partner, make it a shared goal to not put too much emphasis on your last bit of time together. Although this may seem odd to point out, it may save you from unnecessary anxiety and arguments later on. Don’t try to cram in a million cute dates beforehand, or get upset when a plan doesn’t go the way you’d hoped. Instead, enjoy their company as you normally would.
I promise, no matter how much everyone loves to make long distance seem like a big deal, it’s not — and it has great potential to strengthen your relationship. Before you leave and while you’re away, don’t forget to soak up the experience — believe me, the semester will go by in a flash!