Valentine’s Day has passed, the chocolates have been eaten, the flowers have wilted and we’re left to ask ourselves, what happens next? It’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of day-to-day life, but the essence of romance shouldn’t be confined to a single day on the calendar. As the dust settles after the Valentine’s Day rush, it’s the perfect time to understand what makes a relationship romantic outside of a mandated holiday of love.
After a day filled with big romantic gestures, the comedown of the holiday might lead you to question the significance of your relationship. It’s OK to feel that way as long as you’re aware of your commitments to a relationship. At times, external stressors like work deadlines can amplify feelings of dissatisfaction, potentially clouding the distinction between a passing slump and a deeper discontent within the relationship. If you’ve established that it’s the former, I spoke to Dr. Jessica Maxwell, Ph.D., an expert on interpersonal relationships and sexuality, to gain insights on maintaining that spark in a relationship following the Valentine’s Day high.
COMMUNICATE THE TYPE OF LOVE YOU NEED.
Everyone’s romantic needs sit on a spectrum and can vary depending on what they want and need at any given moment. Based on their attachment style, individuals with anxious attachment tendencies typically seek more time with their partner, while those with an avoidant attachment prioritize autonomy and space.
“I think I know this sounds like a bit of a cop-out answer, but I think here it really comes down to communication because keeping in mind we all have different thresholds and often different ways we recognize love,” Maxwell tells Her Campus. Effective communication is essential in navigating these differences, as each person may have distinct thresholds and ways of expressing and recognizing love.
Additionally, fostering a collaborative approach is key. “I don’t think it’s fair for women to expect men to be the ones to get the flowers and plan the date night,” says Maxwell. “I think it really needs to be a team effort.” It’s crucial to understand that maintaining romance requires effort from both sides. If one of you has higher intimacy and romance needs than the other, finding a middle ground is essential. This might involve seeking closeness from other sources such as family members or other friendships, as a way to find a compromise.
UNDERSTAND THAT THERE’S ROMANCE IN THE LITTLE THINGS.
One of the biggest misconceptions in relationships is the pressure to live up to the seemingly perfect couples we see on Instagram, going on extravagant vacations and indulging in romantic dinners. But the truth is, quality time can take many forms for different couples.
“Research shows that [romantic growth] can be day-to-day things you’re doing,” Maxwell says. “It can be cooking a new recipe in the kitchen. It can be going to a new cafe in your town. It could be going for a walk in nature or someone you’ve never been to.” Even engaging in activities like asking each other questions or playing games can deepen intimacy by revealing new facets of your partner’s personality. Contrary to what Hollywood might portray, romance isn’t solely about grand gestures; it’s about appreciating the everyday moments and discovering new aspects of your partner. By focusing on these small yet meaningful experiences, couples can nurture their connection and growth together.
CARVE OUT TIME TO CONNECT EMOTIONALLY.
It’s important to carve out quality time for each other, even if it’s not extravagant. Ensuring you have dedicated moments to connect emotionally can significantly strengthen your relationship. “I consult for a great app called Cupla and part of the goal is to make it easier for couples to plan that quality time together,” Maxwell suggests. “So pairing your schedules to see where you can carve out time, sends you weekly date night reminders, and prompts the other person.”
Developing that bond and getting to know each other outside of shared interests is seen as really attractive and mimics the falling-in-love stage. It’s as small as an activity that facilitates meaningful conversations that could deepen your bond. “Even just something as simple as those games where you ask your partner different questions. You can increase the intimacy in your relationship because you’re learning new things about your romantic partner,” she says.
MAKE SURE YOU SHOW GRATITUDE.
One of the great aspects of Valentine’s Day is its reminder to express appreciation for our partners. This practice shouldn’t be confined to holidays; it’s essential to incorporate it into our daily lives. When you demonstrate appreciation for your partner’s actions, it encourages them to continue their efforts, leading to reciprocal acts of kindness. “Research suggests that’s so important for both partners and could kind of create this positive spiral of gratitude where you know you’re showing your partner you appreciate what they’re doing for you,” says Maxwell.
A relationship should never feel like the next romantic gesture is 364 days away. I know it’s tiring to hear that communication and compromise are key to a healthy relationship, but it is! Sometimes the simplest of answers are the best and as long as you have the emotional capacity to have these conversations, romance will be at your door every other day of the year.