Being roommates with someone really shows you a lot about a person. (Sometimes way more than you’d actually like to know.) You get to know them on a way deeper level — I’m talking about all their pet peeves, habits, insecurities, and, if you look closely enough, even their attachment styles. If your roommate situation has been feeling less than ideal and full of anxiety, difficulty setting boundaries, and has you stressed about telling them you’re going out without them, you might be dealing with a codependent roommate.
Living with someone can be an amazing way to form long-term friendships, but if you’re rooming with someone who isn’t a great match, it can cause a lot of unneeded anxiety. If your living situation isn’t looking like Monica and Rachel from Friends, you’re not alone. Most people I know have had their fair share of rough roommate stories. But there becomes a point where it isn’t just small roommate spats, and it’s turned into something way bigger — toxic codependency
But how do you know when a roomie has become codependent? I talked with Dr. Carolina Estevez, Psy.D, to understand how to recognize the signs of a codependent roommate.
What is codependency?
The biggest way to avoid codependency is first to understand what it even is: “Codependency is a behavioral and emotional condition that affects an individual’s ability to maintain healthy, mutually satisfying relationships,” Estevez tells Her Campus.
Most people think codependency only happens in romantic relationships, but it can occur in platonic, family, or roommate relations. “It is often characterized by excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, and it can manifest in various ways,” says Estevez.
What are signs to look for in a codependent relationship?
It can be difficult to understand if a relationship is becoming codependent. Estevez says there are specific signs to look for when recognizing a codependent roommate situation.
“Signs of codependency in a relationship can include an inability to express emotions, difficulty setting boundaries, feelings of guilt or anxiety when one partner attempts to change the dynamic, and communication problems,” Estevez says. “Additionally, if one partner feels like they are responsible for the other’s happiness or well-being, this is also a warning sign of a codependent relationship. It is important to remember that neither partner should be dependent on the other, and both should have their own autonomy.”
Can a codependent roommate be healthy, or is it always a red flag?
There is a fine line between depending on your partner, roommate, or friend and being entirely codependent on them. Dr. Estevez says that relationships that exhibit some traits of dependency on each other aren’t necessarily unhealthy ones. “It can actually be beneficial for both partners to rely on each other and feel a mutual sense of responsibility.”
The fine line comes in when one partner is excessively relying on the other or when the relationship dynamics become unbalanced. This can look different in various relationships, but Estevez says it could look like one roommate taking care of all the responsibilities while the other is not contributing equally.
Are there ways to repair a codependent roommate relationship? If so, what are they?
The biggest question I had for Dr. Estevez is about the possibilities and ways to fix a codependent relationship once you’re in one. Is there any way to come back from it? Fear not, besties, if you’ve found yourself in a codependent roommate relationship, it’s possible to repair the dynamic.
“The first step in repairing the relationship is for both partners to become aware of the need for change and commit to making that change,” says Dr. Estevez. “This can involve setting clear boundaries about each partner’s needs and expectations as well as having honest conversations about how the relationship dynamics have been unbalanced.”
An honest conversation about setting boundaries can be nerve-wracking, especially with someone you live with. But, if you want to repair a codependent roommate situation, you’ve gotta sit down and have the hard conversations.
“Additionally, both partners should work on developing their own sense of self-worth and independence,” says Dr. Estevez. It’s important for roommates to have lives outside of the other person.
Developing a sense of independence takes time, but a way to start exploring what that looks like could include pursuing personal interests, spending time with friends and family, or taking part in self-care activities.
It’s important to spend time with your roommates and have fun, but your life shouldn’t revolve solely around your roommates. Maybe a good idea is to set a couple of nights a week where both roommates do their own independent activities, with other outside friends or even alone.