It’s common knowledge that having shared interests and values is crucial in any relationship, but what happens when nighttime rolls around and one of you can’t wait to go out and hit the town, while the other is already in their PJs ready for a Netflix marathon? College campuses typically have a large party scene, but that doesn’t mean every college student wants to go to fraternity parties, bars, or drink until the early hours every weekend.
If your S.O. likes to party but you don’t (or the other way around), don’t be discouraged! Some people may argue that partying ruins relationships, but there are many ways to make your relationship successful and focus on what really matters: the quality time you spend together and what you love about each other. So if you’re worried about you or your S.O. going to parties while in a relationship, know that things aren’t necessarily one-sided, and it’ll just take some purposeful discussion to reach a compromise that makes you both happy. You shouldn’t have to be worried if your S.O. is going to a party, as long as you have an established foundation of trust between the two of you.
We talked to college-aged women, as well as Rhonda Ricardo, relationship expert and author of Cherries Over Quicksand, for advice on this potentially tricky situation. Here’s what you need to know.
Learn to compromise, because things shouldn’t be one-sided.
Most people would say compromising with your partner is an essential part of maintaining a relationship. Doing a little of what the other person likes can go a long way in making them happy, even if it’s outside your comfort zone.
Ricardo suggests finding a non-partying activity that you can share together: something more low-key to appease the homebody, but still outside and social enough for the extrovert. “If one person does not want to go out, it’s alright to stay home sometimes, but memories are built on adventures,” she says. “Maybe the couple should find something like rock climbing, volleyball, the gym, or go on a local train excursion to get out and have fun together after a long week of responsibilities and deadlines.”
You can always compromise by grabbing lunch with one another on the day of a party, and then having separate night plans, or deciding to meet up for breakfast the day after. It gives you a chance to talk about the party if you’re not going together, and you’ll be able to spend some more quiet time with one another.
Yes, it’s okay for you or your S.O. to go to a party without the other person.
Don’t pressure the homebody in the relationship to go out, and in the same respect, the person going out shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for leaving the other alone — because no, it isn’t wrong to party while in a relationship, as long as you’re both on the same page about it. “My boyfriend LOVES going out with his friends and I’m more of a stay at-home-and-watch Harry Potter kind of girl,” says Kayleen, 21. “I’m only human; of course I get jealous but I won’t stop him from going out just because I’m a homebody, it’s not fair.”
Even if you two don’t share the same idea of a perfect weekend night, don’t let that be what you focus on when it comes to your partner. Accepting them for who they are and what they love is key, so if you’re planning on going out but your partner wants to stay back (or the reverse), don’t force them into a situation they’re uncomfortable with, and don’t let them do that to you, either. Partying is not the end-all, be-all of your relationship, after all.
trust that the partier isn’t leaving the homebody alone.
Trust is the foundation of any lasting relationship. Both partners should feel comfortable with the other going out without them there, knowing there will be no flirting or infidelity because you love them and your S.O. loves you.
“When there is (earned) unshakeable trust present, a valuable carefree spark is added to the relationship,” Ricardo says. “This couple will most likely have a great time with their friends while apart but will also miss each other and look forward to spoiling each other when they reunite! Time apart is healthy; it keeps the relationship spicy and fun.”
If you’re the one staying home, don’t assume that if your S.O. doesn’t respond to a text for 10 minutes it’s because they’re hitting the dance floor with a potential hookup. And if you’re the one going out, don’t abuse that trust by acting single just because your S.O. is not physically there.
Set expectations for whoever’s going to parties.
Talking things out beforehand can ease some of your anxieties about being separated on a party night. “It sounds formal, but my boyfriend and I had to sit down and have an honest conversation about what we both need to be happy,” says Rachel, 19. “He agreed to not post multiple Snap stories with single girls, because it always made me a little worried and I promised to not get upset if he takes a while to respond to a text.”
Have an honest discussion with your S.O. about what you’d like the next time one of you goes out solo. For example, figure out how often you’d like to text each other, how to let the other know when you have gotten home safely, and what behavior or social media postings you both can agree are appropriate.
Find time to spend together outside of parties, too.
Although your idea of a perfect Friday night may be different, it’s important to remember what made you decide to become a couple in the first place. Make spending time doing what you both love to do a priority. Try working out together, watching a sports game, or checking out a new restaurant near campus the next time you both are free.
If you’re the party animal…
If you’re the person in the relationship who loves to socialize and get wild, there are ways to make sure your partner does not feel left behind. “When the party person comes home they could bring back food, flowers or better … a fun story, to share their adventure,” says Ricardo. “Also, significant others get extra points for letting them know that everyone at the party said hello! This helps make it clear there are never any secret agendas when out with friends.”
You should also be aware that your partner might worry about you leaving them alone at parties if they do decide to join you one night. Ricardo suggests “holding their hand, touching their shoulder or offering to bring them a drink at times during the night. If the extrovert completely disappeared and leaves the introvert alone for disrespectful amounts of time, the introvert will not want to attend parties with him or her and might see the lack of attention as uncaring or worse, an insult,” she tells Her Campus.
Finally, let your S.O. know they are always invited to go out with you, so they won’t feel left out. If there are certain events throughout the year that you really don’t want them to miss, such as a semi-formal or friend’s birthday party, make sure you communicate that. That way, you are not left feeling resentful that they aren’t present.
If you’re the one who doesn’t like to party…
If you’re one who’d rather order take-out, watch a movie, attend a club meeting, or just lay in bed when nighttime rolls around, there are steps to make life easier for you as well. “After a busy week, I’d be so excited for a calm night in to myself,” explains Laura, 21. “But then I would find myself checking Snapchat every five minutes to see what my boyfriend and friends were doing while out. I’ve finally learned to put my phone down and realized by staying in once I’m not going to miss the most fun night ever.” Make your decision and stick to it without any regret. Find something to do other than constantly checking your phone, such as reading a chapter in a textbook, cleaning up or decorating your room with some cute apartment decor, or having a DIY pampering night.
If you find yourself constantly worried about what your partner is up to when you’re not around, Ricardo suggests taking a look inward, and making sure you’re not potentially blowing things out of proportion. “Accusations of cheating behaviors that are not true, not fair, and foolishly destructive to the relationship are HUGE red flags,” she tells Her Campus. In those cases, she warns that you “could lose a great person in your life” if the accusations are false and not based on anything other than them being out while you’re at home, since it is a breach of trust. Don’t accuse your S.O. of unfaithful behavior if you have no real evidence. If you do have an intuition that something feels off in your partner’s behavior, have a mutual and mature discussion with them that allows you both to share your side of the story instead of flat-out accusing them, which could lead to resentment.
So maybe your S.O. wants to hit the bars on Thursday night, but you’d rather get a head start on a big project due Monday. Or perhaps you can’t wait for the weekend to roll around for your sorority mixer, but your S.O. just wants to have a Netflix marathon for two days straight. There’s no reason a relationship can’t last with these differences if both people appreciate who their partner is and are willing to compromise a bit.