If you’re anything like me, then you’ve probably been love-bombed at least once in your lifetime. Whether it’s someone insisting they want to fall asleep on FaceTime multiple nights in a row before even meeting them, or a situationship saying “I love you” before you’ve even started dating, I’ve found myself on the receiving end of love-bombing one too many times — and if you’re here, then you probably have too.
But if you’ve never had the pleasure (please note the sarcasm) of experiencing love-bombing, psychotherapist Doriel Jacov describes it as “the rapid attachment and disproportionate intensity early on,” Whether this is constant communication, grand gestures, pressure for commitment, or declarations of love within a matter of weeks, love-bombing comes in so many different shapes and forms — yet there are always some key themes.
“The key thread is that the love-bomber’s affection is disproportionate to the depth and length of the relationship,” Jacov says. “For some, this can be really exciting and intoxicating, which is what blinds them to what’s really happening.” So, maybe you think it’s cute that your talking stage texts you 24/7, telling you about how much they like you and can see a future with you before you’ve even been on a date. Maybe you’re even finding yourself thinking, “They could be the one!” In reality, this is textbook love-bombing.
Trust me, I get it: Sometimes, I fall into the mentality of, Well, of course they’d be obsessed with me this early on, while other times, I get freaked out and abruptly cut off anyone who shows too much interest in me too early on. (Blame my toxic exes, not me!)
But recently, I had a bit of a realization: Instead of running away or brushing it off, it’s time to finally confront love-bombing as it’s happening. And no, that doesn’t mean turning it into some huge, dramatic confrontation. It can be as simple as telling your talking stage you want to slow things down when it feels like too much, too soon.
The real question is — how the hell do you actually do that?
It’s important to confront love-bombing not just to end it, but also to prioritize healthy communication and boundaries.
It can be hard. Despite what it may seem, “love-bombing is not always a conscious manipulation,” Jacov says. “It usually reflects an anxious attachment and a deep, often unconscious, fear of abandonment. The unconscious internal narrative often involves securing someone as quickly as possible before they discover the love bomber’s ‘true nature’ as defective.”
However, there are instances where love-bombing can be a tactic of control and manipulation. “In more narcissistic and controlling cases, it can be highly intentional and calculated,” Jacov says. “In this case, the love bomber is trying to create dependency to remain in control and possibly to get what they want out of the relationship before leaving it. Either way, the effect on the person being love-bombed is quite similar.” While it can be tricky trying to determine if someone is intentionally love-bombing you or not, it matters especially in terms of figuring out how to respond and addressing the love-bombing at its core.
And when it comes to love-bombing, it has honestly started to feel as though the universe has only given us two options: 1. Cut them off, or 2. brush it under the rug. But there is a third option when it comes to love-bombers: Confronting them — because even if it’s messy and even if it scares you, because every time you don’t, you’re just letting the pattern repeat itself. Own your feelings, speak up for yourself, and stop letting someone else dictate the pace of your heart!
Now, if you’re anything like me, then you’re probably terrified of communication, leading to all of my former love-bombers either being ghosted or just letting toxicity happen until I snap out of it. But something I’ve learned in all of my relationships (love-bombing ones or not) is that communication is the key to a healthy relationship. And it’s important to confront love-bombing not just to end it, but also to prioritize healthy communication and boundaries.
Sure, maybe someone’s love language is words of affirmation — or maybe they’re used to relationships moving quickly. But if you don’t confront love-bombing, it just leads to a fear of communication and a lack of setting boundaries in the future — whether you cut them off or not. Avoiding it only trains you to settle for relationships where your boundaries get ignored, and immediately ending things can lead to running away anytime things get hard.
If setting a simple boundary scares someone off, then they were never worth keeping around anyway.
If you really do like someone and see the potential in them, I think it’s important to place value on transparency and telling them if things are moving too fast — and Jacov agrees. “I reframe slowing down as protecting the relationship instead of destroying it,” he says. “Many are afraid that if they set boundaries, the other person won’t like them anymore. But if that’s the case, there’s a fundamental problem within the relationship itself.”
Of course, you can’t exactly say “Stop effing love bombing me,” especially if you want to work things out. But that doesn’t mean you have to neglect honesty. Jacov recommends saying something along the lines of “I feel great about you and the way things are going, but I do want to give us time to grow gradually closer at a pace that feels right for both of us.”
And how they may respond could tell you everything about whether you should continue the relationship or not. “Someone who respects the boundaries, even if disappointed or sad, is someone worth continuing to explore,” Jacov says. “If they respond by guilting you, being angry, or withdrawing, they’re letting you know a lot about how they behave in relationships.” If setting a simple boundary scares someone off, then they were never worth keeping around anyway.
At the end of the day, addressing love-bombing isn’t about being overdramatic — it’s about protecting your peace. You don’t have to choose between “going along with it” or cutting someone off completely; you’re allowed to slow things down, set boundaries, and protect your peace without apologizing for it. And honestly? If the idea of “slowing down” scares someone, it might be time to cut it out anyway.