Okay, true confession time.
I recently watched Demi Lovato’s new documentary on YouTube Simply Complicated, and it was purely amazing. I won’t spoil it for those who haven’t seen it yet, but in her documentary she shows a true, raw side of her that inspired me to open up to you all in the hopes of shedding light on a very important topic – mental health.
It wasn’t until I got to college that I really knew I had anxiety.
In high school, I had occasional times where I would extremely worry about the littlest of things, but I just thought that was just high school getting to me. Once arriving to college, things started to change… I noticed that I worried about every little thing – worrying that I was coughing too loud in class, worrying that the group of girls that just passed me was talking about me, even worrying that my own friends secretly didn’t like me.
But this was just the beginning.
As my college years progressed, and I got into my sophomore year, things got worse. I couldn’t go to certain places because my anxiety made me worry that the people at those places would judge me. As a result of this, it made me change my day-to-day routines.
I started to take the long way to my classes to avoid the huge crowds of students getting out of classes. I couldn’t look at people as I walked by, or I would then worry that they’re looking at me weird because of my hair, or my outfit, or even just me. I would always think “Okay, just keep walking…make sure you’re not walking funny, or they’ll start to stare…just keep going…oh crap, that girl just looked at me, I must have something wrong with my makeup.” My anxiety even affected where I ate, studied, even where I just hung out.
It’s a constant struggle that I deal with every day, no matter the situation.
I am not known for being an extremely outgoing person, or outgoing in general. However it’s not hard for me to make conversations with people. Generally, I’m good with approaching people and speaking my mind when needed. But sometimes my anxiety gets in the way and makes what used to be easy social conversations hard to manage.
Fast-forward to this year, my junior year, and my anxiety has progressed. It’s bad enough that I worry nonstop as I’m walking around campus or while in social settings, but now things are more physical. I start to panic, my hands tremble, face tenses, and I’m literally gasping for air because I can’t catch my breath. Imagine trying to juggle breathing correctly, while trying to look pleasant, while also having a million fearful and worrying thoughts pop into your head – it’s not a fun time. To be completely honest, it’s one of the worst feelings I’ve ever experienced. I’m always on edge, panicking, worrying, and gasping for air.
Anxiety is weird. It’s one of those mental illnesses that everyone says they have, which actually makes it hard for people like me to talk about my struggles because other peoples’ anxieties may not be as severe as mine. As a result of choosing to keep to myself, I’ve noticed that this mental illness has changed me. I am more detailed (which technically isn’t a bad thing), but I am also more paranoid and silent. It has been easier to just keep to myself about my struggles rather than voice them, although it may not be the healthiest and most reasonable choice.
Anxiety makes you question everything.
It makes you worry about anything that has happened, is happening, or will happen. It makes you feel like you’re drowning in a sea of constant worry, but only you know. It forces you to avoid people/situations, even if you don’t want to. Personally, anxiety is my worst enemy. It makes me think the worst about everything – “What if my friends decide to turn on me?”, “What if I don’t make it out in the real world?”, “What if they’re being nice to me because they feel sorry for me?”.
”What if my anxiety holds me back for the rest of my life?”
To me, mental health has always been something I’ve been interested in and passionate about. The mental health issues that people experience are REAL, not something they made up for attention. Among them, anxiety and depression are the most common in college students in the U.S. As a result, most, if not all college campuses have health and counseling services that can help students work through their problems in a safe and trusting environment. In addition, there are many programs on and off campuses that educate young adults about the different forms of mental illnesses, how to treat them, and what others can do to help. In my case, I am currently taking the steps to properly cope with my anxiety, starting with educating myself, and progressing in the future.
In sharing my experiences, I hope that this article either further educates you on mental health and the real effects of anxiety, or gives you the courage to talk to someone you trust if you or someone you know is experiencing anxiety or any kind of mental illness.
Mental illnesses are real. But together, we can end the stigma.