I feel stuck.
It’s a phrase that has been going through my mind like it’s the mantra of the century. Imagine this: you get to work and like every day for the last year, you do a job that isn’t yours. You get the same pay as normal but for quadruple the work you’re supposed to be doing while management takes advantage of your willingness to help. And despite all the work you do, there is no praise, or a simple thank you.
Imagine this, too: the medications being used to treat your mental health are breaking the bank. You can’t afford the $40 for the three-month prescription and you’re stretching those pills, still, five months later. Your brain is in a never-ending cycle of depression, happiness and anxiety.
“It’s just $40,” your friends say in annoyance. But they are different than you: they have several thousands of dollars in savings and could easily afford the $40 every few months. But you’re stuck, because you screwed over your finances sophomore year and haven’t gotten out of the rut.
I’ve had the conversation plenty of times with family and friends—I’m the only one who can solve my own problems. But what happens when you have bills to pay in addition to your rent, which you can’t afford because your hours are being cut at work? What happens when your own family tells you, “You’re an adult—figure it out for yourself” when you’re in a financial situation that most people your age don’t need to deal with?
I feel stuck and I’m not sure what to do about it. It seems impossible to get rid of these problems when there are more bills to pay than money coming in. It seems impossible for help when your own family will not help you financially because you’re not the best at money. I couldn’t tell you how many times the thought has popped into my head, knowing that if I were just to cease existing then all my problems would disappear indefinitely.
Every day when I wake up, I have to muster the courage to face the day. I would rather spend the whole week sleeping under my covers, but I have to go out and get my education and I need to be a responsible adult to earn money.
I’m stuck socially, too: most of the time I’m not invited to things and my plans are often cancelled because others found something more important to do. Do you know how hard it is when your friends don’t want to be around you anymore? Do you know how hard it is to open up your heart and your home to someone, just for them to spread lies about you after they fail to take your advice? Do you know how hard it is to have no idea where you’re going to live next year because you feel unwanted by those around you? I’m constantly hurting because of these people, and I feel so alone. I’m stuck in a cycle of wanting to be invited to things and also wanting people to think of inviting me. I’m stuck in a cycle of wanting to be a part of a group and wanting to not seem clingy.
I feel so alone in a room full of people because I just don’t feel wanted anymore. Not by my friends and not by my family. I don’t know whether to seek support from the ones I love or to keep it bottled up inside. Either way, I always end up feeling isolated no matter the route I decide to take.
So, I’m stuck. I can’t go forward and I can’t go back, and I sure as hell can’t step to the side and take another route. But I know that things will eventually get better, the only question is when.