“In time they will give back to you more than you could ever imagine…”
About 10 per cent of Canada’s population has major depression, so there’s a good chance you love one of them. Loving someone with depression is hard and isn’t something for the weak-willed, as it takes a fair bit of diligence and bravery. Perhaps I could offer a little advice to make the situation somewhat easier to handle.
1. Depression is not a choice.
Depression is like being scared, sad, and tired at the same time…all the time. It’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but not feeling like socializing. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It’s about caring about everything, then caring about nothing. It’s feeling everything all at once, then feeling extremely numb. They will get this sudden worry and fear that something isn’t right. Everything could be perfectly fine, but in their mind, they believe something is wrong. They will be convinced that their life is falling apart. Remember, depression is not a bad day, or bad mood, and one cannot just get over it. No one chooses to be depressed.
2. But, they don’t always want to do this alone.
Many will be surprised when I say that, most often, people dealing with depression do not want to be left alone to deal with it. Yes, like any other person needing space is necessary, but this doesn’t necessarily mean they want to face their demons completely alone. Suggest going for a drive, offer to get coffee, or have dinner. Some one-on-one time can reel them out of their dull routine and the two of you can reconnect, which means the world to them. Let them know they’re not alone.
3. They love it when you unexpectedly reach out to them.
There is a constant dose of emptiness and disconnection in our everyday interactions due to overworking, television, and technology. People managing depression need more company, more friends, and more people wanting to spend time with them… not the opposite. Consider their times of depression as them needing you and your presence more than ever.
4. Don’t try to “fix” them.
Opposites really do attract, so be the positive in their life. Don’t try to create ways to make them permanently happy, you’ll just be wasting your time. Just be true to yourself, the person they fell for, and don’t expect them to be anything else, or any other way. If you put faith in them, in time they will give back to you more than you could ever imagine.
5. Sometimes they have to push you away before they can bring you closer.
Those who suffer with depression often get frustrated when they feel like a burden to other people. This causes them to isolate themselves and push away those they need most. The worry of bringing you down with their sadness is mentally exhausting. So, if they become distant, remember to let them know you’re still there.
6. They may seem irritable at times – do not take it personally.
It’s even harder to not wonder if you did something to make your loved one depressed. When you’re depressed, you feel incapable of being yourself. When loved ones who know the real you surround you, it’s twice as hard. It can hurt to see this and the automatic assumption is that you’ve caused this depression. But know that it’s not you. In a way, if your loved one is acting depressed around you, it’s actually a good sign. It means they love and trust you enough to open up around you. Sometimes they won’t share this with you and try to hide it – causing them to push you away. The only thing to do here is simply be there.
7. Don’t just say it, show your love.
You can tell them a million times that they’re the most attractive person you’ve ever seen and they aren’t going to believe it. You can text them time and time again that you love them and they aren’t going to believe it. Show your love to someone with depression by making your love so obvious there’s no way they can deny it. Hug them so tight that their broken pieces get put back together. Use those corny jokes to make them forget why they were ever sad.
8. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too!
An immediate thought to loving someone with depression is taking care of them, but this can seriously affect you as well. You might feel like you need to be in it with them but what you really need is to take care of yourself. Remain focused on your own aspirations and dreams. I know it may feel like you’re bragging about a new job, or a night out with friends makes you seem like a horrible person, but you aren’t. Hiding or downplaying your accomplishments will not hurt them. They will still be happy for you. Like anyone, hearing one’s successes and happiness might remind them to improve, but do not downplay your life for anyone.
9. You’re allowed to get frustrated.
Catering to needs or walking on eggshells is not required when around someone dealing with depression. Although those dealing with depression need to be supported and loved, it should not negatively impact your life. Accepting this is important so that you can provide what they need without putting yourself in a lesser position.
10. They are fully capable of giving and receiving love.
Just like any other human on earth, the giving and receiving of love is capable by all, even those suffering depression. What you give is what you get. Treat others as you wish to be treated. The ability to love someone isn’t affected by depression. So reach for it, but don’t forget to love yourself too. Patience is key as well. Like your favourite flick, not every scene is your favourite but waiting for your favourite parts makes the wait worthwhile.
If you take anything away from this article, just let it be that everyone – especially those struggling – deserves loving compassion, so spread the word!