Have you ever gone the extra mile to do something for someone that you were trying to impress? Whether that person was someone you wanted to be friends with, someone you were romantically interested in or someone that you wanted to like you in general. Have you tried to ensure that everyone around you is happy, often ignoring your own feelings in order to do so? Do you feel attacked by the questions I’m asking right now? If so, stick around because you might just fall into this category.
Don’t get me wrong, going out of your way to ensure that other people feel comfortable is not always a bad thing. In fact, it can be quite the admirable quality. Being able to tend to others’ needs can reflect an empathetic nature, which helps you create strong bonds with people. However, there’s a very fine line between being a genuinely nice person who wants to connect well with others and doing everything in your power to ensure that other people feel comfortable no matter what the repercussions are.
If I were to describe myself in three words it would be friendly, outgoing and caring. Naturally, I’ve always made an effort to get to know new people and have enjoyed the process of making friends. However, it wasn’t until middle school when I began to miss the mark, where I was doing too much for others and not enough for myself.
Up until this point, I had pretty great encounters with everyone I had met. Granted, I didn’t like everyone in my elementary school, and I’m sure some people didn’t like me either, but I was never aware of that fact. I never had to face the truth that there was someone that I had never treated poorly that still didn’t like me.
That’s when I started to doubt everything that I knew to be true.
I remember thinking to myself, “How come I can be nice to people and they STILL won’t like me? Does anyone really like me? What can I do to make sure that everyone likes me?”
I started going the extra mile to be nice to other people even though they wouldn’t do the same for me. I began to put other people’s needs before my own just to avoid getting into arguments with others, and I would often feel responsible when people around me weren’t feeling happy.
The worst thing of all is that this is no one’s fault but my own! It was kind of a slap in the face for me to deal with the fact that not everything in life is going to go your way. I realized that you could be the nicest person on Earth, and someone will still have something negative to say about you. This realization helped me get through a lot of negative situations and made me feel more confident in terms of speaking my mind. I can proudly say that I don’t fear confrontation and speaking my mind, if necessary. I also realized that most of my reasons for wanting to be liked by others was due to my need for validation. Taking control back and validating myself was one of the best things I could do to feel more confident and in control of my emotions. *Better self-esteem enters the chat*
I don’t know if I can classify myself entirely as an ex-people-pleaser because I still feel like being comfortable in your skin is a process that never really stops. I do acknowledge that I’ve come a long way from caring about what everyone (and their mom) thinks about me, to just being myself and doing things because I want to.
To all you people-pleasers out there, I feel you. However, I guarantee you that life is so much better on this side. Please save your energy for people and situations that are worth it – the first person being yourself!