So, you have someone in your life who can be draining. Welcome to life! It’s important to first recognize that this is a valid emotional response to have. It’s perfectly normal. But no relationship, romantic, familial, platonic or otherwise, ever is.
If you’re struggling to understand how to put some space between you and another person, I’m here to help. I wouldn’t say I’m wise, but I’ve definitely had valuable experience in setting some very necessary boundaries in my own life. Below I’ve made a list of helpful tidbits that will hopefully guide you in the healthiest direction.
Making space doesn’t mean destroying a relationship.
Often when we think of making boundaries, we assume we have to cut the other person out entirely. Sometimes this is necessary when they are causing a lot of emotional distress, and that’s okay. But it’s not a bad or extreme thing to want some conditions in a relationship you are planning on maintaining. Maybe you have a parent that dumps their emotional trauma on you or a very extroverted friend whose energy can be too much. Establishing boundaries that protect your own energy can ultimately benefit the relationship much more, as you prevent silent resentment from growing this way.
Trust your gut and your energy.
If you are consistently tired, moody, anxious or self-conscious around certain people, it’s a sign that you should listen to your emotions. Stress in relationships can even manifest in physical symptoms like headaches, stomachaches or jitters. Our intuitive selves understand our boundaries often better than our conscious minds do, so it’s important to pay attention when something feels off.
Respect yourself over being a people-pleaser.
It’s impossible to place healthy boundaries if you don’t have any self-esteem. Know that whatever feelings and comfort levels you have are worth respecting, no matter what the other person thinks. In making boundaries and deciding to address your own emotions, you may hurt or surprise the person. As a chronic people-pleaser (as well as a conflict-avoiding Libra) I have struggled with this part the most but to prioritize your well-being, honesty is always worth it in the end.
Make your feelings clear.
Tying into the last point, don’t sugarcoat or gloss over anything you want to say. The person you’re having problems with needs to understand how you’re feeling, so don’t let your intended conversation deteriorate into a quick thirty-second comment because they say they’re too busy that day. If they’re initially resistant, this is also an indicator that you must talk it out more than just once for them to fully accept the situation and your needs.
People who do bad things aren’t necessarily bad people.
This goes back to the idea that situations aren’t as black and white as we first assume them to be. There is no absolute right or wrong, a perfect relationship or none at all, or only bad and good people. We all make mistakes, some much worse than others, but this doesn’t mean we are inherently bad individuals. Understanding this doesn’t excuse any behaviour but allows us to see others in a different light, one where they can change and grow.
The line between caring about someone and allowing them to walk all over you is very thin. There should always be a limit to how much you’re willing to tolerate, but if it’s worth it, it’s very possible to walk that tightrope to nurture your relationship while still prioritizing yourself.