A Guide to Working Out for the Perpetually Lazy

Disclaimer: I am writing this article based on a suggestion from a fellow HC collegiette and it by no means actually reflects my experience of working out or how motivated I am in the gym. Noooo. Not at all. Lol.

Your alarm goes off. It’s 8:15 AM. You swore for the 36th day in a row you were gonna peel yourself out of bed and get to the gym before class. It’s daunting. Nearly overwhelming. Your bed is so warm. You check the weather… negative twelve degrees outside? No chance. You roll over and slip back into your dark, cozy, sleepy abyss.

You wake up. It’s now 9:45. You have class at 10:30, but your energy for the day is now lacking and you hate yourself a little bit for blatantly ignoring your physical health. What is the solution? Is there one? Well, sounds like you need a guide to working out for the perpetually lazy…

Step 1: Lay out a yoga mat or towel next to your bed before sleepy time.

Step 2: Crawl into bed wearing a sports bra and loose shorts (or don’t, but tuck them under the covers with you so they’ll be warm when it comes time to put them on in the morning).

Step 3: Browse Spotify for a playlist you wouldn’t mind waking up to. I would personally recommend the entire Jonas Brothers discography, but I will leave this decision up to you.

Step 4: Your alarm is blaring. It’s 8:15 AGAIN. Flip a light on. Hit play on the playlist. Literally roll out of bed and onto the mat on your floor. Voila! You’re at the gym!

Step 5: By the time the second song on the playlist starts, you need to be on your back, knees bent, feet flat about shoulder width apart, finger tips next to your ears… time for sit ups.

Step 5.5: Oh god. It hurts. This sucks. When can I stop? Well, look at your last assignment! If you aced it (90%), do 10. 80%? 20. 70%? 30. 60%? 40. 50%? Honey, we’re doing reps for days (50 or 25 x 2) to make up the other half of the assignments we somehow misplaced.

Step 6: Flip over. On your stomach now. Finding the stopwatch app is your rest. Set it to a minute. If you’re more fit than me, set it for longer. Up into a plank supported by your forearms and tippy toes. Sing along to the music in your head. Or out loud. Core tight. Butt down. Try and keep your body flat as possible almost like a… PLANK? Hold it for a minute straight (or as long as you can while taking as few breaks as possible) until the timer goes off.

Step 7: MAAH MAAH MAAH. Timer’s done! You collapse onto the floor. That was god awful. You hate everything. Flip onto your back. Stare at the ceiling. Contemplate your entire life for .23 seconds and then lift your legs to 90 degrees as if you’re making a table for breakfast with your shins. OMG. Breakfast soon!! Almost there. Bicycles. If the term “bicycle” is slightly offensive to you, we can also refer to this as horizontal running (in theory).

Step 7.5: Extend one leg, allowing your heel to just hover barely above the floor. As you’re pulling it back, simultaneously extend the other leg so they’re opposites. If you’re somehow a fitness guru or something, kick it up a notch by assuming the same arm position as sit ups and use your elbows to reach for the opposite knee as it comes back towards your face. DO NOT knee yourself no matter how tempting it might be at this point. We are doing this to better ourselves. Remember that!! Same amount of reps as sit ups for this round.

Step 8: Hopefully you’re fully awake by now and not falling asleep on your mat. Great. Now is the time to channel your inner yogi because we have to dun dun dun… stand up. Come to your feet by stretching every possible muscle you can on your way up. This movement alone should leave you feeling like a certified yoga instructor. I bet you didn’t even know you could extend your limbs in that direction, did you? I know this might seem like a lot of work but you’re now exactly halfway there.

Step 9: There are three moves to get through here. Squats. Front lunges. Side lunges. All of the standing movements are low impact because we don’t want to be jumping around and waking up down the downstairs neighbor at 9 AM (or whatever we need to tell ourselves, lol). Use whatever number you assigned yourself for sit ups and bicycles here too.

Step 10: Repeat steps 5 through 9 twice more for good measure.

Step 11 (Bonus!!!): Please shower. Please.

While this routine is far from all-inclusive in terms of targeting all major muscle groups and totally disregards the existence of cardio (which is actually super important part of a balanced workout regime) at least something is better than nothing when you’re this lazy, right?

Xoxo,

Lazy EmB