For most of my life I’ve suffered from anxiety and phobias. An anxious child, I had many different fears that stopped me from living life like any other kid would. More recently, I’ve suffered from periods of depression that have also affected my everyday functioning. As a result, I’ve seen my fair share of counsellors and therapists, and I’ve come to understand that there is one thing that is absolutely necessary for productive therapy: you have to have a connection with your therapist.
Your therapist is a person in your life like no other. They are an impartial third party with whom you share your problems, your deepest feelings and your fears. They’re there to listen to you and to provide support and tools to help you work through whatever challenges you’re facing.
If there isn’t a willingness from both parties to work together, then it won’t work. Both parties have to be in it or nothing will get done, plain and simple. Once, during a particularly bad depressive episode, I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. I was so relieved that I would be seeing someone that, for the weeks leading up to the appointment, I kept telling myself that it would all be okay because I was going to get help. However, while I was meeting with this doctor, I could tell that something was off. She was going through a diagnostic questionnaire, asking personal questions but not really wanting to talk about what I was saying. At the end of the session, she determined that I wasn’t worth her time because I wasn’t so bad that I needed medication. I was flabbergasted—what did she mean we wouldn’t be having a second session? I had been feeling depressed for weeks but she couldn’t be bothered to help me because I didn’t need to be medicated? I was left feeling upset, betrayed and even more low than I had to begin with. If the therapist isn’t committed to helping their patient, then nothing productive will come of the sessions and, like me, the patient will likely feel discouraged and less willing to seek help in the future.
This also works in the other direction. When my Dad was sick with cancer, I saw a social worker for a few months: I had no desire to speak to this woman and hated every second I spent in her office. As a result, I didn’t open up to her and I gained absolutely nothing from our sessions. I went in with the mindset that I was only talking to her to please my parents. I thought I was perfectly fine; I didn’t think I needed to share anything with her. I thought all of her questions were stupid. My mind stayed firmly closed. Had I gone in with an open mind, thinking that I might benefit in some way from the sessions, then maybe I would have been able to connect with her and would have been better prepared for my Dad’s death.
Lastly, and most importantly, you have to be able to relate to your therapist. Above all, if you don’t like or aren’t able to understand your therapist, then you’re probably not going to get anything out of your sessions. After a particularly hideous break up with my high school boyfriend, I began to see a therapist because having to see him all the time was elevating my anxiety. I found that, although she was nice, I didn’t really connect with her because I felt like she didn’t really understand what I was feeling and we didn’t have any common ground. She would tell me that I was wrong and that I needed to stop thinking and feeling in a certain way. Being stubborn, this really turned me off and eventually I stopped going to see her. My anxiety was unchanged and eventually I just got over the break up by myself and felt better. Conversely, with my current therapist, I immediately felt comfortable and understood. We bonded over the fact that we both love dogs, and her supportive, empathetic approach to therapy really works for me. She keeps it real, but doesn’t tell me what I should or shouldn’t be feeling. As a result, I’ve really grown while I’ve been working with her, and I always feel so much better after having a session with her.
The connection you have with your therapist will ultimately make or break your sessions with them. Going to therapy is like canoeing—it works much better if both people are paddling rather than when one person refuses to bring their oar. It may take some time, but once you find that person that you connect with, it will be so, so worth it.
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