It all began in my first year of university. Primarily, I started to feel extremely self-conscious in social situations. I constantly felt like everyone was judging me, and that no one liked me. If I went to a party, I would spent the entire next day thinking about what I said and did over and over again.
Now, as a fourth-year student, my anxiety still remains but is not only limited to social situations anymore. I often worry about bad things happening to the point of bringing myself to tears. I worry that I will be a failure in life and that I am not good enough to succeed. Sometimes I think that regardless of what I do, it will never get me anywhere. I worry when I know there will be some sort of group activity in class because I imagine myself not having a partner or group. Similarly to first year, I still worry about what people think of me, and often think that people hate me or think I am weird. I avoid participating in class because I am worried that I will make a fool of myself and people will think I am dumb.
Most people would never even guess that I have anxiety. I go out and socialize, exercise, study, participate in extracurricular activities, and have passions, like cooking, for example. It seems impossible for someone like me to have anxiety right? But just because I live a “normal” life does not mean that I don’t struggle within. I have my good days and bad days. On the good days, I feel happy and worry-free. On the bad days, the racing thoughts and fast-pumping heart won’t stop. I’ll have trouble falling asleep because I am overthinking and my heart is beating too fast. I’ll wake up, and my heart’s still beating really fast. You know when you wake up in the morning on the day of a big interview, and you feel really nervous? Anxiety feels like that constantly.
I wish I could stop waking up with a fast beating heart. I wish I could stop overthinking every single thing I do and say. And I wish I could stop doubting myself, because I know that most of my fears and thoughts are irrational and untrue. But there is always this little part of me that thinks “what if…”
And although I still struggle, I am slowly facing my fears…I just willingly participated in class for the first time a week ago!
This is my struggle with anxiety.