MANIC
I am utterly lost.
I know where I am,
but yet,
the ground seems unfamiliar.
It is shaky.
It is insecure,
as is the the sky I look up to,
I find nothing but bleakness and blue.
There is nothing to grab on to.
Nothing to settle down with.
Nothing to wrap it’s arms around me.
I am slipping,
but not like you.
You are the vacant mirror of ‘the what’,
I used to be.
I recognize your actions,
your words,
because I’ve said and done them,
before.
It’s manic.
And it’s got to you too.
I want to be there.
To encourage.
To hold together.
To provide.
But I am so scared,
to slip also,
back to where you are now,
to where I’ve worked so hard,
not to be.
I’ve survived,
at least for another day,
and that’s what they say,
equals progress.
But again I face the hearbreak,
and the torment,
of monsters unknown.
Through you.
You do not know what is wrong with you,
but I do.
I am not a doctor,
but I have felt this,
I have lived this,
deja-vu.
Even though I am angry,
at the words you’ve said.
Although I feel betrayed,
to have you push away.
I know very well,
the place in which this comes,
and I will not hold it against you.
It is dark.
It is all consuming.
It is hurtful.
It is mean.
It is trickery of the mind.
I know these actions are not you,
but from a place of resistance,
to the issues,
that consume you.
Especially late at night.
I want so bad to stop you,
but you cannot be stopped.
You can only learn to cope,
and in being cautious,
with my own health,
I do not feel equipt,
to help get you there alone.
I need you to help me out.
I need you to decide yourself.
To find yourself.
To want yourself.
To admit there’s something wrong,
with yourself.
I am so lost,
for I see you struggling,
just as I did,
and yet even with so much,
experience,
I am at a loss,
for any more advice to give.
If you or someone you know is dealing with mental health issues, please know there are many resources available to you.
Here are just a few we have here in London: