I know you don’t think it’s easy to love you. A lifetime of rejection has convinced you that you’re unworthy of happiness, undeserving of love. You walk around thinking there’s something wrong with you, something broken, damaged, something that makes you unlovable. You try to compensate your “unworthiness” with high test scores and high paying jobs. But if you strip all of that away – all the brand names and exam grades – I would still love you.
I know you don’t understand because I know most days you feel like nothing more than a burden. I know you think I’ve changed your life. I know you think you owe me. You apologize for being such a mess, that I deserve better. But I deserve someone who doesn’t leave me standing there with open arms, waiting to be wanted back. Someone who only fights with me about who loves the other one more. Someone who holds my hand just because they like feeling close to me, or kisses me at red lights because they miss the feeling of my lips on theirs, or never forgets to tell me how much I mean to them. Someone who makes me laugh until my face hurts.
You think that because I wasn’t broken when you met me, you haven’t done anything for me. Like I’m your lifeline and you’re just holding me back. You think because I’ve dried your tears more than you’ve dried mine that you’re less of a man to me. But this isn’t some exchange, some business deal whose success is rated on equal parts of giving and taking. This is me giving 95% that day because you’re too tired to give any more than 5%. This is me reminding you every single day that you are worth something, that you mean everything.
I understand that you cry when I say I love you because those words still sound foreign in your ears. Maybe because you still don’t see yourself the way I do, or you’re just shocked to hear someone actually say them and mean it. Maybe it’s because a small part of you believes that you might be worth it.
I understand that some days you need me to hug you a little bit tighter. That the thoughts in your head get a little too loud sometimes and maybe if I squeeze you hard enough you won’t be able to hear them anymore. Like I can erase every doubt with the stroke of your hair, ease every anxiety with a kiss.
I understand that the concept of unconditional love is new to you. When you worry that you’re bothering me, or boring me, it’s because you’re afraid that I’ll stop loving you if you’re anything less than perfect. You think you’re a handful because you feel things so deeply. I understand that you think you need to apologize for being you.
I hate that I have to reassure you every single day of things you know are true. I hate that you don’t believe me when I tell you I love you. But I understand. You know I love you, you just can’t figure out why. How could someone like me love someone like you? But if it takes me a lifetime to convince you that you’re worth it, then it will be a lifetime well spent. Because if there’s anything I know to be true, it’s that you are the most deserving. Maybe someday you’ll believe it too.