Concept: Candy Corn Sucks

Listen, candy corn is awful.

It’s the worst of all Halloween candy. I feel that liking candy corn is the equivalent of settling in a romantic relationship; sure, you can convince yourself that you get some pleasure from it now and then, but ultimately you know there are bigger, better options out there for you and you’re wasting your time. Stop putting up with Jeremy’s mediocrity, and go get yourself a real piece of arm candy! Which, in this case, might be a nice bag of Skittles.

Okay, I know I’m already getting some flack for this, but hear me out. Candy corn, as with many Halloween sweets, is essentially made of sugar and dye. We’re not including chocolate here—this is solely about candy. Therefore, I’m not going to argue from a health perspective; we all know that candy isn’t healthy nor is it trying to be.

But candy corn is different from other Halloween candies, like Fuzzy Peaches or Jolly Ranchers, because it fundamentally does not have a given flavour besides sugar! Candy corn is made of sugar, corn syrup, shellac and various dyes, which is exactly what it tastes like. You can’t even tell what flavour it’s meant to be—ask anyone! People will say things like “waxy” and “sugary”—is the bar really that low for candy nowadays? It isn’t 1895 anymore; we don’t need to be eating tasteless, plasticky lumps of sugar that your rich aunt bought for ten cents apiece at the corner store. We demand flavour! It’s not like candy corn even tastes like CORN, the food it emulates visually and gets its name from. The worst thing about candy corn is its blatant deception of the consumer: its vibrant colours and cute shape make it visually appealing, and then the waxy fondant taste just ruins the fun. Halloween comes once a year, and it’s time to raise our expectations!

Candy corn is allowed to stick around in our October palettes because of tradition alone, just like racism, arranged marriages, and believing women innately belong in domestic spaces. Do you want to live in a world where your slur-dropping grandma finds you a husband or wife, offers them some candy corn and then tells you to go make them a sandwich? No, you don’t, because you deserve better than that. “Let people eat whatever candies they want,” you may argue, and to that I say no, it’s time for a change. We have higher standards than this, Canada! How are we meant to argue our supposed superior status to the US if we continue to endorse this uninspired, unremarkable candy that appeals more to the neighbourhood raccoon than it does to kids? It is time to end candy corn’s sub-par reign over the best, and spookiest, holiday of the year.

 

Here is a list of things I would rather eat on Halloween night than candy corn:

  • Those weird circus peanut candies

  • Stale saltwater taffy from 1974

  • A caramel onion (yes, not apple)

  • Fake pumpkin stems

  • The wrappers from all my Halloween candies

  • My costume

  • A pound of fake spider web decorations

  • The box-set of Are You Afraid of the Dark?

  • Ten plastic spiders

  • An entire corn maze

  • The big Halloween dance

  • A ghost

 

The case against candy corn is indisputable: there are more delicious candies out there of all flavours, shapes and sizes that don’t taste like earwax and will actually please your trick-or-treaters this year. Candy corn is made for people who don’t care about Halloween enough to feed themselves good-tasting candy, and you deserve better than that. This year, don’t waste your time and money on a bland, boring, tradition-fuelled excuse for a candy that only makes its profits from your boring boss’ half-assed Halloween party! Buy anything else, and save your trick-or-treaters—and yourself—from another year of sugary mediocrity.

 

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