**TRIGGER WARNING**
While in therapy a couple of weeks ago, I was talking to my therapist about my history of self-harm, and how I feel about my recent struggle with relapsing.
“I just feel guilty about it all, like, sometimes I worry that I’m just doing it for attention. Sometimes I kind of want people to notice and say something.” I had said, doing everything I could to avoid eye contact.
“It certainly doesn’t sound it, but, so what if you are?”
That shocked me. Why wasn’t she trying to convince me that I was only seeking attention and that I wasn’t actually struggling the way I convinced myself I was?
“Sometimes wanting attention is a cry for help, even though you don’t consciously recognize it,” she continued. “Even if you want someone to notice, even just a little bit, you’re using that as an unhealthy way to cry for help. We need to work on better ways to communicate to others that you’re struggling and need help.”
It was eye-opening that for all of these years of secretly wanting people to see that I am not okay, I just wanted someone to help me.
Now, self-harm is definitely NOT the answer. And I need to continue working on actually talking about my feelings and asking for help; but it’s sort of comforting to know that wanting just a little attention doesn’t make me a bad person.
We are social people, we need others sometimes.
If you’re struggling with anything, and being an “attention seeker” is one of your worries, let this be a sign that you are valid. You are not struggling for attention. Secretly wishing for someone to notice your struggles and help you doesn’t mean that you are a horrible person, it means that you probably don’t know any other way to communicate to others that you need help yet. You will get there eventually, it takes time, but you’ll get there.