Recently, I felt as though I lost myself. I couldn’t recognize the version of myself I had become. Things that used to interest me didn’t anymore. I felt nothing at all, yet absolutely everything, all at once. I had isolated myself from everyone and everything and didn’t know how to find myself again. It started out simple, I was in control, but more quickly than I thought, I found myself spiraling.
Many people will experience a similar situation at some point in their life. According to the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA), national surveys show that an estimated 20 million women and 10 million men will have an eating disorder at some time in their lives. 30 million people — you never believe you’ll be one, but what if you are?
Feb. 26 through March 4 is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, and although 30 million people will experience an eating disorder in their lives, this is a week that many people — including myself until rather recently — have no idea exists.
There are many ways NEDA encourages people to get involved in National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, but what I think is truly important about this week is to understand the importance of breaking down the stigma surrounding eating disorders.
In movies and TV shows, they are often portrayed as horrific and abnormal experiences that affect people very few and far between. However, not all eating disorders can be classified as bulimia or anorexia; there is a wide range of severity of every disorder, along with combinations of multiple different kinds. Eating disorders can range from restricting your eating to over exercising to purging to control your weight and everything in between.
Some people don’t even realize that the behaviors they practice align with an eating disorder until it becomes an extreme — and I believe this is due to the thought that in order to have an eating disorder you must have bulimia or anorexia. However, feeling guilty after meals and constantly worrying about what you are going to eat for the day are gateway behaviors to eating disorders.
It may feel extreme to have that mindset, but I truly never believed there was anything wrong or strange about the way I thought about food. I was under the impression everyone worried about what they ate and felt guilty after they ate, regardless of what it was. Recently I’ve discovered, for probably the first time in my life, what it is like to eat without putting thought into it, and it is truly liberating.
Food is meant to fuel our bodies, and in order for us to function, we have to eat. I’ve always known this, but it became so difficult to force myself to eat when I had ingrained in my mind that every bite would cause me to gain weight. The more I antagonized over each thing I ate — the less I ate, and the harder it became to eat even foods like broccoli and salads. Soon, my thoughts had tricked me into believing that by not eating I would be skinny, and it wasn’t until I had lost 10 pounds in eight days, my hair began to feel brittle and my skin started to look sickly pale that I understood what I was doing to my body.
Eating disorders can quickly consume you. I believed I would be able to stop once I reached a weight that satisfied me, but my goal weight kept changing day-to-day, and I realized I’d never be completely happy with it. Now, I’ve stopped weighing myself daily and have tried to take up the concept of being healthy rather than skinny. It’s easier said than done, but, in my opinion, it’s an important mindset for everyone to have.
National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, for me, serves as a week to understand and inform others that although eating disorders may seem extreme and like something that could never happen to them, they probably know someone who has or will experience one — and that person might even be them. Eating disorders aren’t talked about often, but I think it’s crucial that everyone understand them better because they are serious, and can even be deadly, yet are so easy to fall victim to.
If you are worried about yourself or someone else in regards to eating habits — learn about them, read about them and seek out help. There are plenty of resources on campus to help including the Cook Counseling Center and the HEART program. As well as national resources and hotlines. There is nothing wrong or weird about having problems with your eating habits, but it is vital to correct these patterns before they turn into something harder to work through. Trust me on that one.
If you are struggling with your eating habits, remember that these actions do not define who you are as a person. You get to choose who you are, and although it is hard to find yourself in moments you feel so unlike yourself, you have the strength to do so. Somedays I feel empowered by the experience I have been through and others I feel absolutely helpless; however, understanding that I am allowed to have good and bad days has been an incredibly important step toward recovery. Don’t let your bad days make you feel worthless — your worth is endless, and you deserve to be happy, no matter what your mind is telling you.
Eating disorders have the power to knock you down and take over your mind and emotions, but you have the power to fight back against them. People always say you are your own worst critic, and after the past few months, I absolutely believe that. However, I also now believe you can be your own best friend and supporter as well, that you can help yourself back up — all you have to do is find your fire and make sure it never stops burning.