You know how during interviews they always ask the question, “What are your strengths and weaknesses?” my answer for my weakness was always the same – “I’m a perfectionist!” By saying I was a perfectionist, I wasn’t admitting to myself that I had any true weaknesses. I also didn’t think being a perfectionist was a bad thing, or that it should even be considered a weakness. This is not to say being a perfectionist is a bad thing at all, it definitely has its pros and cons. I still consider myself to be a perfectionist, but now I’m learning to embrace all things imperfect. I’m learning to be comfortable making mistakes. I’m learning to be okay with making mistakes. Most importantly, I’m becoming a version of myself that I like and can embrace – perfectionist or not.
In today’s society, especially in the age of social media, there is an enormous amount of pressure on people to seem perfect and live perfect lives. That pressure is especially prevalent for women. Constant pressure to look a certain way, behave a certain way, and even talk a certain way. This ideology has been around for centuries and as a result, it has been internalized and integrated into our everyday lives. From schools, to workplaces, to even in our friendships and relationships – women face so much scrutiny and criticism due to unrealistic and unattainable expectations society has created. We aren’t taught to love ourselves, we’re taught to seek love and praise from external sources.
Looking back, I realize in high school I was not my own person. I was a version of myself influenced by what I assumed to be other people’s perceptions of me. I was living my life by unrealistic expectations and standards I created simply because I was so worried about what other people thought of me. As long as I had approval and acceptance from other people, I felt “perfect” and liked the person I was. If I found out someone didn’t like me, I took it really personally. If I found out people had negative perceptions of me, I was devastated. I often felt threatened by people I had just met because I was scared they wouldn’t like who I was. This resulted in me overextending myself by saying yes to anything and everything, solving everyone’s problems, and ultimately just being a people pleaser. So many of my choices, including which college to attend, were based on other people’s “perceptions.” The saddest part was that, whether or not these perceptions truly existed, they didn’t actually matter. But to me they mattered significantly.
I was seeking external validation, approval, and acceptance. I wanted to be perfect in every aspect of my life. I wanted everything to work out just the way I imagined it. I micromanaged and nagged people I cared about over every little thing, all because I couldn’t afford to make a mistake. If I did happen to make a mistake, I thought about it endlessly. It would stay with me constantly while damaging both my self esteem and self image in the process. My self talk was so negative, and at times nonexistent. Some of my favorite hobbies became really negative experiences due to my overwhelming need to be perfect and my constant comparison to others. I carried all of this with me into my first years of college – a time when it’s completely normal to make mistakes. I made lots of mistakes my freshman year, and I still do – but I’ve learned how to deal with them and ultimately learn from them. When I first started making mistakes I often projected and blamed my mistakes on others. I could never take the blame for anything or come to terms with the fact that I was the root of my mistake. How could I have made a mistake when I meticulously made a version of myself that people approved of? What could I possibly have done wrong?
Nowadays, I spend a lot of time thinking about the person I want to be and what I need to do to get there. I’m in the process of self reflecting and growing as a person. I’m most proud of myself for setting expectations and standards that I approve of, not anyone else. I no longer seek validation or approval from others. I’m working on making my own decisions and not waiting on anyone to tell me what to do or reassure me. I no longer let my mistakes define me. I’ve also realized other people’s behavior has nothing to do with me. I am not living my life to make anyone happy except myself.
My advice is to stop living your life for other people. If you feel that you are, ask yourself why? Do you like the person that you are? Or have you created a version of yourself to seek external validation and approval? It’s definitely not easy to acknowledge this about yourself nor come to terms with it, but it is absolutely worth it. It might be long and hard work, but your future self will thank you for it and that is something to be proud of.