Family Should Not Equal Abuse
We have all heard something along the lines of, “But she is your mom” or “That is still your family.” It is usually, if not all of the time, always said after you have explained to someone how your family is being abusive to you. We live in a society where we tolerate and are patient with family who have harmed us—physically, emotionally, sexually, psychologically, and/or verbally.
We do not have to continue doing that anymore. You can put boundaries and know when to stop tolerating abusers. Many victims have sat across from their abuser because they are “family,” and because they are forced to do so by their parents. There are also victims who are forced to see their abusers every day because it is their parents. Let me break it down to you—you are enabling abuse by letting your loved ones sit across from someone who has abused them.
Abuse comes in multiple forms; it is never small, no matter how many times others try to invalidate it. It can manifest from happening from time to time, to happening all the time.
This article is not written for the victims as they do not have any choice but to see the perpetrators. This article is written for those who enable this type of behavior, who sit on the sidelines, and who force the victims to see their family because “it is their family.” You guys have the power to stop this cycle by taking these 3 simple steps:
1. Validate the victim’s feelings: The victim has gone through trauma, no matter what kind of abuse is experienced. They feel pain as they watch the people they call family, the people who are supposed to protect them, hurt them constantly. You will add more salt to the wound if you shut down their feelings and tell them “But that is still your grandma,” or “That is still your father.” What you should say is “That is your grandma and I am sorry that she hurt you. She is supposed to love and spoil you.”
2. Do not force them to be around their aggressors: There is no need for the victim to be around their aggressors. It fills them up with hateful thoughts and negativity. No person in that situation will be happy to see their mother that hit them 24/7 for not listening. To some that is considered discipline, but it has been psychologically proven that physical punishments are considered physical abuse. Studies have shown that this kind of “discipline” has resulted in long term negative consequences, like lack of self esteem and even depression (https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking) .Therefore, forcing the person to see who has hurt them can bear negative effects.
3. Speak up: It is important to let the aggressors know that what they are doing is WRONG. Sometimes family can be toxic without even realizing it, and you have to let them know. You have to speak up and tell them to stop, otherwise you should not be seeing them again as you should not be around abusers and people who hurt the people they love and think it is okay.
You must be the person who protects these victims because chances are you are the one person, who they consider as family, who is going to save them from whatever they are going through. They go through a lot of anguish and trauma. They should be showered with love.
Family is supposed to protect and love you, not harm you. Remember that.