No, it’s not just overthinking.
It’s much much more.
In little thoughts,
Creeping in one by one, like mice.
A cancelled date turns into a
Lifetime of regret, sad songs,
And absurd remorse over exes.
He doesn’t love me.
But he says he does.
But he doesn’t prove it.
But every other time he does.
Not this time.
Maybe I’m not good enough.
Maybe there’s someone else.
Maybe she’s skinnier.
I haven’t been eating well,
But I thought I still looked okay.
Maybe I can’t even tell anymore.
Maybe my body decides when to gain weight
Without telling me.
I”ll never notice it until I’m huge.
I only eat this way because I’m so busy.
I have an essay due on Thursday.
I have no time to cook or clean.
My kitchen’s a disaster but I can’t spare the time.
I have to read 5 books in one night if I want to pass.
And I need to pass.
I have a 70 in the class but if I fail this essay I’ll fail the course.
And I will fail if I don’t read these 5 books in one night,
And make notes on every single good quote,
And categorize the quotes to make really good points,
And then write and rewrite and edit edit edit.
He cancelled the plans.
I can’t focus on reading or the quotes.
He cancelled.
And it’s because there’s probably somebody better,
Some better plans.
I’m boring, I’m not as healthy as I used to be.
There are better options for him. I’m holding him back.
All I’ve got going for me is this essay…
Which I’ll fail.
And I’ll never get the job I want
Because I’ll never stop being this way,
This stressed, tired, unhealthy, boring essay-writer.
And then what’s all this life stuff gonna mean in the end?
I needed a good night out.
But he cancelled.