I was thirteen when my family decided to move to Macedonia; a small, landlocked European country that my father once called home. At the time, I was eager to swap the “boring” life I had in Windsor for a refreshing experience abroad and I could not wait to begin the next chapter of my life.
For two years, I was equally infatuated as I was frustrated living in a country that was unlike anything I had ever experienced. On one hand, I was amazed by the abundant social life I developed, while on the other, I was deeply disappointed with the institutional chaos all around me. As a teenager, I enjoyed my newly-earned freedom by frequenting numerous cafes and going on local day trips while also establishing new friendships, some of which are still thriving today. However, I started to miss my life back home and during my sophomore year of high school, my family moved back to Windsor.
Notably, I had an incredibly difficult time re-adjusting to life in Canada. While one of my close childhood friends did attend my high school, befriending new people was extremely daunting. Not to mention, I have always been a fairly shy and introverted person which made things ten times harder for me. By the time my sweet sixteen rolled around, all but two of my friends failed to show up and I began to feel unlikeable, sad, and isolated. For the rest of tenth grade, I became a hermit; I would finish school and rush home to read whatever novel I was working through at the time. As summer approached, my uncle and his wife managed to persuade us to move to Toronto and by the end of August we were driving up the 401.
At this point, I was entering my junior year of high school and in case you lost track, that was my third new high school in a third city. Fortunately, it was also the school I graduated from. I was lucky enough to spend the ages of 16 through 19 in Toronto, a city I always admired and loved. There, I met several interesting people and experienced life in a large, metropolitan city. I became acquainted with cultures and cuisines I never knew about before, and I enjoyed day trips to unique places such as Kensington Market and High Park. I began my first year of university at U of T’s St. George campus, however, I eventually dropped out due to severe anxiety and depression.
Finally, in 2015, my family made the decision to move back to Windsor–for good. As a nineteen-year-old returning to her hometown for the first “real” time in 5 years, it was as overwhelming as it was comforting. This time around, I was determined to be more positive and connect with as many people as possible. I tried to reach out to people from my childhood and high school, however, that plan failed as I quickly realized everyone was too busy with their own lives to include me in their schedules. Truthfully, that was a hard pill for me to swallow, as in my mind, I was still optimistically hoping to reunite with old friends. The hardest part about the entire situation was feeling like an outsider in a city I was born and grew up in; at times it felt unfair to me that many others were still best friends with people they knew from grade school, but I could not pick up where I left off regardless of how hard I tried.
For several years, I struggled with highs and lows, but at 21 I decided to try something new: I focused on bettering myself in hopes that a more balanced state of mind would bring fresh opportunities my way. I sought resources on campus and was referred to the Psychological Services and Research Centre to receive help with panic attacks and agoraphobia. During the summer, my sister and I visited our aunt in Croatia and we traveled to several new places including Vienna, Prague, and Italy. When we returned to Canada in the Fall, I was truly delighted to be back in Windsor as for the first time in years, I felt at home.
At 22, I am still re-acquainting myself with a city that I have long been a stranger to: there are many new places that I’m still discovering and while I still haven’t met my “tribe”, I am confident that they are out there. This year, I made the effort to become more active on campus and joined Her Campus to connect with other students who seek to empower people. I also unexpectedly joined a sorority and I am completely amazed by how kind and receptive everyone has been towards me.
When I look back at the past few years, I am proud of how far I have come. While my thirteen-year-old self could not have possibly envisioned the path my life has taken, I would not change a thing about my experiences. Indeed, moving to Macedonia significantly changed my life, and the insight I gained over those two years is something I will carry with me for the rest of my adult years. The brief move back to Windsor taught me that life is continuously in flux and that sometimes significant relationships dissolve so that better ones can come together. Meanwhile, living in Toronto taught me that even the luster of city skyscrapers cannot heal you from the pain you inflict upon yourself. Finally, this year has taught me that even if you feel like you’ll always be an outcast, life is what you make it and, to repeat an age-old saying, it is always darkest before the dawn.