For as long as I can remember, I’ve tried to make myself smaller. Not just physically, but in ways that are far less visible. I’ve softened my voice, held in my opinions, and shrunk myself into the least disruptive version of who I thought I should be in order to occupy the spaces I thought I wanted to be in.
It starts young, and once it does, we struggle even realizing something is wrong. We carefully position our personalities to fit neatly into the expectations of others; to make other people happy and to make them like us. We learn to be agreeable, to take up only as much room as we are given—never more. We say “sorry” when someone bumps into us, we bite our tongues when we should speak, and we make ourselves palatable, even at the cost of authenticity. For women of color, this is especially true. How many times have you moved out of the way of a white friend group on the sidewalk while they barrelled ahead, not even looking at you as they bump your shoulder or bag? Even if they’re taking up the entire sidewalk, something that would always be considered objectively rude, in that moment we feel as if we are in their way. But we’re not, they’re in ours.
I am done apologizing for taking up space. And I think you should be too.
I am done suppressing my presence, my voice, my frustrations- all to preserve the “comfort” of others. I am done letting the fear of being “too much” keep me from being fully myself. And if you’ve ever felt like you had to make yourself smaller- in any way- to be loved, accepted, or respected—this is your permission to stop.
Taking Up Space Is Not Selfish
Somewhere along the way, we internalized the idea that asserting ourselves is a kind of arrogance. That voicing our needs is selfish. That being confident is a little too much. But the truth is, shrinking ourselves doesn’t serve anyone. We don’t inspire others by making ourselves invisible. We don’t build meaningful relationships by hiding who we really are. We can’t show up for the people we love in the ways they deserve if we’re too afraid to take up the space to hold them. The world doesn’t need a watered-down version of us—it needs the us who laughs loudly, has big ideas, loves fully, and isn’t afraid to take up the space she deserves and that will allow her to reach her potential.
Reclaiming our Space
So, what does it actually look like to unlearn years of minimizing yourself? It’s so much easier said than done, and it’s not a journey that moves in a straight line. Maybe it’s something small, like correcting someone when they mispronounce your name instead of letting it slide. Maybe it’s raising your hand in class even when your voice shakes. Maybe it’s taking up physical space—standing tall, walking like you belong in every room you enter- even if you don’t feel like it. Or maybe it’s something even bigger, like finally letting yourself want the things you’ve been too scared to admit, and eventually, rewarding yourself by taking the steps to get them.
Taking up space is an act of self-love. It is an act of defiance against a world that has tried to tell you to sit down and be quiet. And more than anything, it is a reminder to yourself that you are worthy—worthy of being heard, seen, and known, exactly as you are. I know I’ve struggled with this for a long time, especially when from a young age, many authentic acts of self-expression were often treated with immense judgement and a resulting fear of never being truly accepted by my peers because I didn’t conform to the strict (and frankly unnecessary) standards that are set by elementary and middle schoolers who are embarrassed by everything.
We would all have more fun- and feel more empowered to be someone we can be proud of- if more people felt comfortable being too loud, too ambitious, too emotional, too anything—because the only thing worse than being too much is being less than you truly are– to yourself and to those that really matter.
I’ll leave you with some quotes that have helped me a lot- I’m someone who can be motivated by anger, and given the world we live in, I’m sure many of you are too. Keeping these (or other quotes that resonate with you) somewhere you can look back on, like in a journal, could be a great way to start. The hard truth is that nobody will ever give us the space we’ve been wanting and waiting for to be ourselves- we have to demand, and sometimes, create it.
If you do anything today to stick up for yourself, to take even a tiny sliver of the space you’ve always had to assimilate to earn, I’m proud of you.
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“Of all the female sins, hunger is the least forgivable; hunger for anything, for food, sex, power, education, even love. If we have desires, we are expected to conceal them, to control them, to keep ourselves in check. we are supposed to be objects of desire, not desiring beings.”
~ Laurie Penny, Unspeakable Things
“The first feminist gesture is to say: ‘OK, they’re looking at me. but i’m looking at them.’ the act of deciding to look, of deciding that the world is not defined by how people see me, but how i see them.”
~Agnés Varda in Filming Desire
“few women ever experience themselves as real.”
~Andrea Dworkin, Our Blood
“every woman who’s ashamed of her body is a victim of torture. every woman who doubts her own judgement is a victim of torture. so just how many women do you know who haven’t been pulled apart?”
~Gage
“Every woman who appears wrestles with the forces that would have her disappear. she struggles with the forces that would tell her story for her, or write her out of the story.”
~Rebecca Solnit
“I am my own muse. i am the subject i know best. the subject i want to know better.”
~Frida Kahlo