I’ve always had the habit or writing my feelings down on paper. I’ve my whole life I’ve kept “diaries” on sticky notes and scraps of notebook paper with a few words and maybe a date on each of them. So when I walked out of class and into the rain where my tears would be hidden by my wet hair and raincoat, I decided to write down what I was feeling.
When my words were on paper and my tears were, mostly, dry I stopped to read what I had written.
“I never do the right thing… no matter what I do someone ends up hurt or disappointed… I want to be good enough… I want this feeling to stop.”
When I looked up from my pretty pink stationary, I realized I had written what read like a suicide note. I didn’t plan on killing myself and I don’t plan on it now, but in that moment maybe that’s what I wanted.
In that moment the stress of school, sports, friends, work were all too much. All of that combined with being head over heels for someone who couldn’t care less about me were a recipe for disaster. I couldn’t help feeling inadequate, unloved, stupid and like a burden to everyone around me.
In that moment, I probably did want to die, but the important thing was is that I didn’t act on those feelings. My pretty, pink paper never became a suicide note. I didn’t become a statistic. I walked outside and hugged my best friend, and then I went to work.
If you’re ever feeling the way I did, or know someone who is, there are resources available.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
UTM Student Health and Counseling: 731-881-7750