I’ve had anxiety for as long as I can remember. It’s been one of the biggest and most difficult parts of my life for many years. The worst of it developed my freshman year of college. A string of things in my life led to some of the darkest and most anxious months I had ever endured. My anxiety was actively holding me back from everything I wanted in life. In short, it was completely debilitating. It was a way in which I could no longer live anymore, and so I started to do the hard work. I opened up to people about the extent of my anxiety, which led to attending therapy.
Before I continue, I will say that therapy is an incredible tool. For a lot of people It’s the single thing that leads to recovery and changes everything for them. But I was stubborn. It was more than difficult for me to talk about my feelings. It was painful. I was never one to ask for help and I didn’t like receiving it from a therapist. The thing about therapy is that when you don’t put in the work, you don’t see the results. I wasn’t getting better and I was beyond frustrated. So I did what I always do, and decided to fix it myself. In between therapy sessions each week, in which I was practically silent, I did all my own research on anxiety. I learned about different coping and exposure techniques. I learned about ways to practice self care. I did it all. To my disappointment once again, my anxiety remained. I was exhausted in every way possible. I just wanted to do the simple things I used to be able to do.
A lot of you may not agree with what I’m about to say, but It’s the one thing that’s really helped me and so I feel the need to share it. I know that society has a very gentle outlook on mental health. We’re often told to take things slow, cancel plans if we’re not up to them, not push ourselves to do things if we think it’s not best for our mental health. For me this was the most harmful ideology when trying to heal my anxiety. I was so terrified to do anything that I just stayed home. I took it slow, I didn’t make it to any plans, and I never pushed myself. Because if I pushed myself I would have to face my anxiety. But what I didn’t know is that’s exactly what I had to do. When I reached the end of my rope I started to use tough love.
I told myself that I needed to toughen up. I needed to face the things I had been hiding from. I forced myself to live my life the way I did before I had anxiety. I did anything I used to be able to do, no matter how anxious it made me. And truthfully, it was really awful at first. I experienced all of the dark thoughts and physical symptoms that come with anxiety on a daily basis. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But the healing that followed made everything so worth it. Slowly my brain realized that I was safe doing these things, and that it didn’t need to panic. I felt like I could breathe again.
This was the start of a whole new life for me. I went back to therapy and gained even more knowledge that I used in partnership with tough love to continue healing my anxiety. What I will say is that anxiety is never fully healed. You can work to minimize the effects, so much that you rarely experience it. But it will surface every now and then. What’s different for me now, is that when it does, I know that I have control. It can be present, but not have the power to dictate my life. If you’re dealing with anxiety, I encourage you to push yourself to step into tough love and do the hard work.