Growing up, talking about my emotions was never my forté. Actually, I think it would have been the absolute last thing on my list of options when I was in a down mood and someone asked why. But as I grow older, I see the value in being honest with myself and others when it comes to admitting that I’m not always feeling my best.
The first week of classes had me feeling overwhelmed, unprepared, stressed out and exhausted. What was usually a simple task of planning out my semester’s load of work seemed confusing and daunting this time around and it put me in a rut. Though I tried to keep myself from entirely freaking out, I was hyper aware of my own change in emotions. I was feeling just the opposite of how I normally do, which is generally optimistic and smiley. But, when my boss asked how my classes were going so far, I didn’t resort to lying and keeping things positive, which is what I tended to go for in the past. No, I told him that, in all honesty, classes sucked and I was already stressed out after two days. Shockingly enough, I felt better after simply answering with my actual feelings rather than lying for whoever’s sake.
That fear of opening up and being honest about my feelings is, I’m assuming, one that I share with many people. There are a number of reasons why I can imagine younger me would avoid opening up and some of them linger today. Truthfully speaking, it is easier for me to tell someone that everything’s great and move on with the conversation like I’m okay. But as uncomfortable as disclosure can be, it is healthy to admit that I have a lot on my plate and could benefit from a listener. Fortunately, I’m surrounded by people who care and notice when my mood is off. Since I’m not usually someone who wants to jump into conversation by saying, “My day sucked and I’m not in a good mood,” I need those inquisitive people in my life.
Taking a step back from The Syllabus Week From Hell, I realized that I’ve come some way from my old ways of lying about the less happy times. I don’t know why exactly I would rather tell someone that I’m doing fine when I’m not, but that instinct has dissolved a bit. That’s not to say that I want to disclose my every emotion to the stranger next to me on the bus, but that I have people around me who are genuinely concerned for my mental health and who want me to succeed. I’ve realized that the people around me care, and that they aren’t asking if I’m okay as a formality.
It is more than okay to not want to talk about your feelings. Sometimes, we need time and space to feel them ourselves before we feel ready to let someone else in on them. However, isolating ourselves in these times isn’t the best route. Talking whatever is on your mind out with a trusted friend, family member or professional will relieve you not only from isolation but from the weight on your shoulders of keeping everything locked inside. In 2020, we are leaving the notion behind that we have to be fine when someone asks how we’re doing. It is okay not to be fine. But know that there are people who want to listen to why you’re not and help you get to a better place.