I never wanted to acknowledge that anything between us could exist, but here we are in what I believe is the longest relationship I ever had. We’ve created many memories together, but reflecting on it, none of them were things I’d look back at fondly. I thought we would only be just friends, since you’re quite popular and have been with a lot of people. But, you have a way of making people contradictory.
We started off small, you’d impact my life in little ways, like sending a text asking “Wyd?” It was stupid of me to ever stoke whatever was brewing between us.
We finally became close when I entered my sophomore year of college. I believed that I had everything planned out for myself, stability for my future assured. But, you were always there feeding me small increments of doubt and negativity until it compiled like exams on finals week, and I realized I never studied for any of them.
With that, you won and I changed my major. You also laid a place in my life, and I wallowed in denial about what was happening between us as I adjusted to the transition. We became official when I ended my finals, and I reached junior standing. Although my grades were stellar, that only made me refuse to see the horrors our union would bring.
Summer was filled with all the happiness sophomore year lacked. I fell in love with baseball, I went to places, and I even found myself a job I enjoyed. But, you never liked being second place. So when junior year rolled around, you decided to crush whatever hope I had for a good year.
When assignments piled up, you forced me to hang out with you for hours on end.
When I wanted to sleep, you’d whisper things I haven’t done, deadlines I didn’t meet. I managed less than four hours a night because of it, you know?
I’d compensate my lack of sleep for naps throughout the day, which not only took away hours of productivity I could have used but it led to an endless cycle of sleeping late and waking early I still, to this day, cannot get rid of.
For my birthday you gave me assignments I had to finish quickly, dark circles and lethargy as rewards, and gifted this overwhelming feeling of anxiety where I couldn’t quite enjoy the day because of the important work at the back of my mind that I put off to spend with you.
I started skipping classes and would recklessly spend money on things to feel short amounts of happiness. I lied, not only to people I care about but to myself that I would do something productive when I got home. I blew off invitations from friends to hang out in favor of going home to you because I knew if I didn’t I’d pay for it dearly.
Each day you berated me with feelings of inadequacy, bringing to light my insecurities concerning my weight, my appearance, and how much I haven’t accomplished in my life compared to others.
I lost interest in things that made me happy, believing that the only things I needed now in my life were a blanket, a pillow, and my eyes closed to escape the feeling of failure just for a little while.
By the time I decided that therapy might be a solution for the both of us, you already single-handedly destroyed my academics, my will to think about the future, and cut off my relationships with many.
I want us to break up.
I’ve been trying to for a while, but you keep finding ways to worm back into my life.
I want to say goodbye to you for good.
But, I know right at this moment it’s difficult for me. Sometimes I believed that the only alternative to get away from you for good was death, but that would mean you won.
I’m still here.