For this semester’s last article, I’m taking a step back from my regular sports articles. As much as writing has allowed me creative freedom as well as a space to relax, this semester has been nothing short of trials and tribulations.
Ghost of College Past:
High school was anything but a happy place for me. I was in a continuous winter gloom. It was by far a state of discontent, and joy could not be found in my life. I struggled to make friends. I found myself unable to bond with teammates, which led me to quit playing soccer, and to make matters worse, I experienced intense anxiety. To break things down, I’ll start with my friendships. Honestly, I had one close friend who attended a high school an hour away, and a childhood friend I had lost contact with, who did attend the same high school as I did. During my first week of freshman year, my childhood friend shut down any possibility of us being friends again. It was almost as if I never existed to her. I felt lonely and embarrassed by her decision, even though I had a friend I could text or call. Fast forward to my junior year; the one close friendship I had began drifting apart due to physical distance and forming new friendships with classmates at our respective campuses. We faced many trials in our friendship, leading to a falling out. Trust was broken after I discovered she no longer respected me as a friend. That betrayal took me years to get over. Because of that, I started fearing friendships and any close relationships.
After my graduation my childhood friend reached out to me to rekindle our friendship which I agreed to out of excitement and loneliness. I thought she deserved a second, Wrong! Unfortunately nothing changed the same way she treated me our first week of freshman year was the same she treated me through the freshman year of college. Why even attempt to rekindle a friendship if you have no intention of being a friend.
Despite the bright sun of August, my mind was filled with a sudden overcast and dusty wind. As a freshman at UNT, I will admit that I wasn’t excited; I never had a dream school or even dreamed of going to college. I submitted my application a few weeks before applications closed with little to no motivation. The first time I met my advisor, I set very high expectations by asking her to plan for me to graduate early. I wasn’t feeling inspired; therefore, I wanted my time there to be as short as possible. My advisor looked at me like I had insane written across my forehead, rightfully so. Being in a new city and environment alone was difficult. I had to get over a learning curve, a new lifestyle, newfound free time, and classwork. After joining organizations on campus and attempting to be more social, I was still unable to make friends, which made me feel like something was wrong with me. After three semesters of loneliness and feeling misplaced; I was ready for a change hence my transfer to University of Houston.
My first year at the University of Houston (Fall 2023) was anything short of easy. My daily commute to campus was a huge struggle, parking was a nightmare, my advisor failed to give me the accommodations I needed, and to top it off, I had a math teacher who moved too fast for me to grasp the material. Unfortunately, after my first semester, I ended up on academic warning; my mind was entrapped with thoughts of failure.
The next semester, I was determined to do better, although the ghost of melancholy past was over my shoulder. I attended my stats class as scheduled, went to office hours before and after class, Launch tutoring, and a private tutoring session to strive to pass. My efforts weren’t enough, which led to my being on academic probation. I began to feel like college wasn’t for me. A gush of wind and dark thunder clouds brushed into my world after. In my second semester (Spring 2024) at UH, I failed a core class, leading me to sit out for one semester.
While sitting out from UH, I decided to attempt my Math 1314 class at a community college, hoping for a better opportunity to pass. Instead, I was met with adversity with my disability counselor; I wasn’t receiving the same or hardly any accommodations there as I was at UH. I did, however, request a meeting with the disability coordinator to review my accommodations.
In our meeting, she was dismissive, unprofessional, and unwilling to help. The President of the college was notified of her behavior, but to no avail; there was no resolution. Moving forward on campus I was jaded and disconnected. Thankfully, my hard work was rewarded, and I passed my class, allowing me to return to UH. Sunny days were back, and my return was much-needed relief. I rekindled my friendships with Kam & Tee, my support system. I was on my way to a better start.
Ghost of College Present:
This Fall semester was my second semester back; most would be enthusiastic, but not me? The Ghost of Oscillate Present was knocking at my door. I started to ask myself “How did this happen?” “Why did it happen?” “What does this mean for me?”
I still don’t have the answers to these questions. I went through a series of anxiety attacks, mental breakdowns, and feeling like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I couldn’t be in the moment, couldn’t see anything happening right in front of me; I was just here. I called my mom to have a realistic conversation about what my next steps would be if I were to drop out. Honestly, that was a real feeling and solution for me until I started planning my future. Planning to drop out created another set of fears; what would my adult life look like? Where would I work? How long can I let my parents support me? And what would my future look like without a degree?
I was caught in a whirlwind of rumination. I knew one day I would rise above my own thoughts. My focus shifted to my goal: graduating from college with dyslexia while coping with anxiety. For many days, I prayed for God to bless me with a talent that would lead me to drop out and plan a successful career. He did not, as we all know, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans” – Woody Allen. I made an appointment to speak with my academic advisor, only to find out I should change my intended major to one with fewer credits. Seems simple, right? Incorrect again. I was in the wrong biology class, and I needed a minor meaning I would not be able to graduate in Fall 2026 as I hoped. Shortly after my meeting, disappointment set in, and I cried for hours in my room. A tornado of despair swirled around in my atmosphere. When I finally came out of my room, my roommate caught me crying and offered me a hug, though we had just met, without questioning me.
The sun poked out after cloudy days. My social life took a turn for the best, something younger me would’ve dared to imagine. I know that is a cliche but coming from a life of being alone, fake friends, and inability to easily connect with people I finally felt seen. Tee and I hung often from Wednesdays “Love Island” re-watch to weekly girl days turned into weekend trips. I haven’t told her this yet but, I’m honestly grateful I’ve meet her, especially since she likes me for me. Same goes for my friend Kam who is graduating in a few days! She has been very supportive and reassuring me that I can and will graduate no matter how long it takes or what roadblocks come my way. I am grateful and really appreciate that I can finally experience fruitful relationships after years of believing I’ll go through life alone.
Ghost of College Future:
The Ghost of Fortitude Future, I am currently enrolled in Spring 2026 classes with a lighter workload as suggested by mom. I know that might sound confusing because yes, I want to graduate, but I also want to keep my mental health at bay. My mom likes to say, “You are on your own journey, this is my race to run.” I’m going to believe in myself and be motivated all in the midst of college chaos. I know I will follow my dreams, and I am going to become the woman I always dreamed of being. My future holds better days than I can imagine. I foresee my degree hanging on my wall in the office of my dream career as I reminisce about the days I dreamed of this view. Some days may be rainy and cloudy, but at the end of the storm there’s a rainbow.
“You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.”
– Bob Marley
Lastly, I want to note that all of my pain, worry, and anxiety came from being in my head too much. I want everyone who comes across this article to understand that you should live in the moment, focus on the journey, not just the destination. At the end of the day, the day is going to end, tomorrow is the opportunity to strive for better.
“Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar,
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit,
It’s when things seem worst that you mustn’t quit.”
- Edgar A. Guest
If my story spoke to you check out Gracie Tran’s “Turning Holiday Grief into Holiday Cheer”.