It’s the end of the first year of varsity. I have made it; survived the year through some of the most gruelling hours of my life. I have not only made it but I have done well, in fact better than I could have ever expected. So then why do I have this persistent feeling of failure? A feeling of unfulfillment despite working hard and achieving the results I wanted.
After some serious soul searching and questioning of the path I have chosen to tread, I have decided that I can no longer be a student on this campus. This is a hard decision. From the age of 12 I have always seen myself walking up those steps, slowly ascending to my dreams. With that in mind I worked hard, pushing myself to unbelievable lengths to get the results I needed in order to get in and stay here. But after a year in this place, I no longer see myself here. I have realised that sometimes what you expect – it simply just doesn’t turn out that way. Sometimes what you plan changes and that is perfectly okay.
So yes, I am another one of those second year students dropping out of this university, waving goodbye for now and taking a walk on the wild side. But I am not walking away without any lessons. I have learnt a lot about myself along the way. I have discovered that an integral part of becoming a woman is accepting disappointment, and taking responsibility for that despondency. I have been made aware of the complex notion of success; that success does not always equate to satisfaction. I now understand that I have to measure my own success by the level of my personal fulfillment, not the perception of others. I choose to accept that disappointment, learn from it, and own my decisions. I’ve figured out that I no longer care for being told what is expected of me. Because in reality the only expectation that matters – that evolves into those dreams and manifests into goals – is self-expectation. It is that self-expectation that drives me to make these hard decisions, which feels like I am walking that wobbly tightrope, leaning on those close friends’ shoulders. But knowing that the only way I am going to get to the end is by myself, with confidence, self-worth and faith.
So this is a scary piece of writing to share. It’s a guiltless admission of conventional failure and recognition of a personal success. It’s sharing a lesson which university didn’t intend to teach me: that choosing a different way to personal fulfillment rather than the Holy Grail of university experiences is acceptable even in the eyes of the most judgemental person in your life – yourself.