Recently, I have been particularly interested in the differences between two terms that surface every now and then on my social media: the older sister effect versus the eldest sister syndrome. Both are subjects that hold interest in developmental and behavioral psychology, and aside from being incredibly interesting, hold more truth than I was expecting to find; they not only made me feel less alone but also sort of forced upon me a less-than-quarter-life crisis about how I have been living.
What Is The Difference?
The older sister effect is described as “clear evidence that older sisters engage in more stimulating activities with their younger siblings than older brothers do. It appears that these stimulating activities have an impact on young children’s development,” in an article by the Center for Global Development, aptly titled, “Doing Well in Life? Thank Your Big Sister.” This theory highlights all of the positives that we older sisters have to offer our younger siblings in terms of their development.
In regard to exactly what this took out of us, the eldest sister syndrome points to certain personality traits and particularities that have followed us into adulthood. The Cleveland Health Clinic reports that, “Eldest daughters may be more likely than other siblings to exhibit certain characteristics and traits, such as being: responsible, independent, empathic, caring, a perfectionist, stressed, and anxious.” Dr. Eshleman continues, “You may have perfectionistic tendencies and often feel not good enough. You may feel the need to please others, and that can result in not feeling good enough because you’re not living up to those standards.” Totally clocked all of us, in my opinion.
Is Eldest Sister Syndrome Real?
In my experience, and in the experience of many of the older siblings I have spoken to (I seem to collect older sibling friends), being the first one to do everything in the family instilled an innate drive to do everything perfectly the first time. That is not to say that my parents weren’t involved in pushing me to do well for myself, but most of the driving force that was a good thing in grade school and eventually transformed into high-functioning anxiety in college came from within.
In part, at least for me, the need to do well in school, at work, and, honestly, in all areas of my life came from wanting to set a good example for my sister and from wanting my parents to be proud when I brought the report card home every semester. Most of it, however, was derived from an inexplicable desire to excel that later transformed into an insatiable need as I grew up.
The older I get, the more I feel like I am running out of time. Which, at a different point in my life, might be a reasonable concern, but at the ripe old age of eighteen, it mostly just makes people look at me funny when I try to express it. I always feel the need to pack as much as possible in as short an amount of time as possible, constantly concerned with filling my life with every achievement within reach, and much of the time I catch myself ruining perfect moments with the worry about what I am not doing enough of, not giving my all to in that particular moment in time.
As dramatic as it sounds, the need to be constantly striving for something, constantly on my sh*t and put together has dominated the majority of my brain since I can remember. That isn’t to say I am incapable of having fun, but the laid-back take-it-easy style of life just isn’t achievable for me.
And I love it. I love the constant bustle and movement. I thrive under pressure, even if that pressure is self-inflicted. Most of the time, I can maintain a balance, enjoying my life and getting everything done, but those few nights of mental breakdowns and blistering frustration remind me that being constantly on hyperdrive is not normal. Those weeks of constant stress during exam week, the annoyance at a perfectly good score just because you think I could have done better, the borderline extreme need for order. It is for all of these little personality quirks that I felt so seen reading about eldest sister syndrome.
I don’t blame my extreme type-A personality entirely on my birth order, and I believe that it varies person to person, of course, but it is so nice to realize that it isn’t just me.
What To Do?
In between studying for midterms and applying for internships, I have been thinking about the idea of eldest daughter syndrome. Although I know I will never change my high-strung, constantly worrying mind, I have been trying to slow down–to be in the moment, as corny as it sounds. When I’m having a good time, I try to just have a good time, try not to worry about everything I am neglecting to do in that moment, and just enjoy it.
When I pitched this story, I talked about my concerns for the future, how I am trying to graduate in three years, get internships, travel the world, study abroad, and the millions of other things I would like to cram into my young adult years. I must have been rambling because one of my senior editors stopped me and asked how old I was. Upon hearing that I was eighteen and a first-year, all that she had to say was “Girl, take a breath.”
So that is my advice to you, wonderfully overachieving, constantly striving, and ever-worried older sisters: Take a breath, take a moment, just one, where everything you have to do before tomorrow morning isn’t running through your mind. I promise it won’t kill you.