College is often painted as a time of freedom, self-discovery, and new experiences. Leaving home can often bring about some level of discomfort for most people. For me, this meant that entering college was initially about looking forward to meeting new people and re-establishing that comfort blanket that friendships can bring us. But for those of us who take on the role of “the mom friend”, it can also be a time of immense emotional labor.
Whether it’s making sure everyone gets home safely after a night out, being the first to offer a listening ear and shoulder to cry on, or constantly reminding people about deadlines, the mom friend is the glue holding a friend group together. But why do some people naturally fall into this role? And what happens when this care isn’t recognized or reciprocated?
The Unspoken Responsibility
For many, including myself, becoming the mom friend isn’t a conscious decision—it’s an intrinsic role that gradually forms due to personality traits, past experiences, or simply a deep sense of responsibility. Some people have always been the caretakers in their family or friend groups, so stepping into this role in college feels natural. Some of us were just born this way. You were the 10-year-old who packed extra snacks for the field trip “just in case.” You were the one making sure everyone had their jackets before recess. And now, you’re the one making sure your roommate has eaten something other than cold pizza in the last 48 hours.
For others, it’s a role adapted out of necessity. College is a new environment filled with newfound independence and challenges, and not everyone navigates this newness with grace. Someone has to step up, and that someone is usually the person who sighs, “Fine, I’ll do it,” the most.
While their care is often appreciated, it is rarely acknowledged as “labor.” People assume you simply enjoy keeping the group chat from imploding, that you love being the designated driver, and that your Google Calendar just naturally organizes their lives.
It’s expected that they will be the ones to hold back hair, send check-in texts, and provide emotional support at all hours. Unlike physical tasks, emotional labor is invisible, making it easy for others to take it for granted. It becomes second nature to those who do it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t exhausting.
The Emotional Toll
The difficulty of being the mom friend isn’t just about the physical effort of taking care of others—it’s the emotional weight of always being the reliable one. The exhaustion comes not only from managing friendships but from the imbalance in care. When the mom friend needs support, they may hesitate to ask, fearing they will be seen as weak or dramatic. Worse, they might realize that the same level of care they provide is not extended to them in return.
This imbalance can lead to burnout, resentment, and even questioning whether these friendships are as meaningful as they seemed. No one wants to feel like their value in a friend group is solely based on what they can provide rather than who they are as a person. There may also be moments of self-doubt, wondering whether stepping back would mean losing friendships entirely.
Additionally, the emotional toll extends beyond just their friend group. Mom friends may find themselves taking on the emotional burdens of their roommates, classmates, and even casual acquaintances who recognize their dependable nature. Constantly being the go-to for advice and reassurance can be mentally draining, especially when they rarely receive the same kind of emotional support in return.
Finding Balance
If you identify as the mom friend, it’s important to set boundaries. Remember to take care of yourself first! Being caring and dependable is a strength, but it should not come at the expense of your own well-being. Communicating your needs, asking for help when necessary, and surrounding yourself with people who recognize and appreciate your efforts can make a difference.
It can help to remind yourself that it’s okay to say no. You don’t have to answer every late-night text, you don’t have to always be the one planning every group outing, and you definitely don’t have to be the sole emotional crutch for your entire friend circle. Learning to delegate responsibilities and allowing others to step up can help distribute the weight of emotional labor more evenly.
For those who aren’t the mom friend but rely on one, take the time to check in with them. Offer support, express gratitude, and be there for them when they need it. A friendship should be a two-way street, and everyone deserves to feel cared for.
The mom friend may hold the group together, but they should never have to carry the weight of that responsibility alone. Recognizing, appreciating, and reciprocating their efforts can help create healthier, more balanced friendships where everyone feels valued.