After studying for two weeks straight morning to night, it was finally the big day where my destiny would be determined.
I make the trek to the chemistry building, the location of me and many other’s pre-med Judgement Day. The 40-foot high ceiling seems to consume me, and I’ve reached a point where even looking at the periodic table makes me want to throw up. I clutch my Lemon Elation Yerba Mate for comfort, its aluminum denting as my breath slows.
“Oh hell nah,” I think to myself as I sit in my assigned seat. The TA bestows upon me a packet of paper that stares back at me, scoffing “you can’t do this.” The world goes silent as I’m taking my first general chemistry midterm.
As truly unserious as my chemistry midterm was despite my incredibly melodramatic recounting of it, taking it meant everything to me at the moment. The prospect of doing well on the exam, to me, meant that I would finally be worth something. It meant I had a seat at the pre-med table. Though I know that’s no way to live, the desperation of it all and knowing that the pre-med experience mirrors a bucket of crabs was enough to send me over the edge.
The truth is, I’ve never felt like I was intellectually enough. I was always the friend in the group who was talked down to, I’ve always had to study twice as hard to do half as well as everyone else, and I constantly feel incredibly stupid compared to my pre-med peers. As much as I want to say I’ve overcome my Imposter Syndrome, it’s going to be something I’ll deal with for the rest of my life. As unproductive as it is, there will always be a pit in my stomach and a thought in the back of my mind that my self worth diminishes if my grades do.
That being said, I do what I can to mitigate self-deprecating thoughts and keep my passion and love for medicine, people, and science. Most importantly, I reject any thoughts resembling “toxic positivity,” or suppressing all negative feelings to “just be happy!” I want to experience my feelings in their full strength and capacity before the pent-up anger and sadness catches up with me. If I need to cry, I’ll sob, and if I need to feel angry, I’ll go off in my diary about everyone and everything (if you see “how to hex someone” in my search history, no you didn’t).
Second, I remember why I’m doing this. Obviously, it’s important to have high grades to keep up with the academic demands of the MCAT and medical school. However, what separates a good doctor from a great doctor is not the grades they got or their MCAT score, but genuine care and respect for their patients. I’m incredibly interested in OB/GYN because of my passion for queer health and women’s health, especially in communities of color. As a woman of color myself, it’s my dream to empower other marginalized people and be a much-needed voice in reproductive health equity. When everything gets tough, I always remind myself of a life where I use my influence and voice for something important while doing what I love.
And as much as I love academic validation (I cried tears of joy when I got my midterm grade back), it can’t be the crux of my (or your!) wellbeing. If I relied solely on academic validation, I would be burnt out and on my last leg by Week 3 just from chasing the feeling I get when I get good grades. In between midterms, quizzes, and essays, I love watching PEN15 or anything with Minions, crocheting, blasting Futura Free by Frank Ocean while screaming the lyrics, and facetiming my little sister to blow off steam. Regardless of what I’m doing in my free time, I always remember to make time for myself before my body does.
Progress is always cyclic, never linear. Sometimes I’m really good about not comparing myself to others, and all I can think about is how I pale in comparison to literally anyone and everyone else. Through it all, I look for peace where I can, and remember that eventually when I’m doing 24-hour shifts at the hospital on my fifth pair of scrubs for the night (thank you labor and delivery), I’ll look back and think about how hopeless I felt and laugh. To any pre-meds reading this, I hope you do the same.